More room for you and more room for me

April 12, 2013 ~ Patrick O'Grady ~ 31 Comments

You just know it’s going to be a good day when you wake up to find that no North Korean nuclear warheads cobbled together from a radium-dial Timex, bits of this and that ordered online from RadioShack, and an old Estes model rocket kit have burrowed into the front lawn, hissing and popping like one of your old Led Zep’ LPs.

Still, it’s early yet. Grampa’s birthday isn’t until Monday.

And you just know that fingers attached to irritated politicos worldwide are tapping nervously near big red buttons. It must be an awful temptation.

“Seriously, will anyone miss the little fucker? Huh? Whaddaya think? Let’s drop the big one and see what happens.”

Not quite their cup of tea?

April 2, 2013 ~ Patrick O'Grady ~ 18 Comments

I wonder what the Don’t Tread On Me crowd thinks of this lot.

On the one hand, the boyos are exercising their Second Amendment rights against the tyrannical minions of the oppressive State.

On the other hand, they’re a bunch of white supremacists involved in meth, ID theft and prostitution.

Somehow I don’t see these guys dressing up like Paul Revere for the Fourth of July.

Further on down the road

March 19, 2013March 19, 2013 ~ Patrick O'Grady ~ 25 Comments

Was it really 10 years ago today that I wrote this?

It shouldn’t be any surprise that on the evening Junior decided to launch his war — a war that is not, repeat not, for oil — the local ABC affiliate’s “news” half-hour featured ads, in rapid succession, for various Chevys and Fords, the Hummer H2, Jeep, Hyundai, Subaru, Pontiac and Honda. Semper finance, with easy monthly payments.

How time flies, etc. Those “easy monthly payments” sure have turned out to be a bitch, though, eh? Especially in this economy. Maybe it’s time to trade the old heap in on a new model.

In which a rhetorical question is asked

February 28, 2013 ~ Patrick O'Grady ~ 35 Comments

Hey, kids, what’s Austerity Clause gonna bring you for Sequestermas?

I asked for a Mitch McConnell Inaction Figure.

Not gonna get it, of course.

A kick up the Oval Orifice

February 18, 2013February 18, 2013 ~ Patrick O'Grady ~ 18 Comments

You know it’s Monday when you drop your English muffin en route to the toaster and it rolls straight into the dog’s water dish.

I blame Presidents Day, which is a bullshit holiday, like Valentine’s Day, intended to herd the feeble-minded to the nearest big-box outlet to buy shit they can’t afford and don’t need.

George Washington’s birthday? That I’ll celebrate. Lincoln’s birthday? Ditto. But there have been far too many nitwits, pud-pullers and ne’er-do-wells in the presidential pantheon for me to grant a blanket absolution, even for a single day.

There’s plenty of dead wood stacked up beneath that storied office, too. Case in point: “As budget crisis looms, Congress leaves town.” You get one day off for Presidents Day. This lot has fucked off until Feb. 25.

And to think some of them have the chutzpah to say the gummint should be run like a bidness. The stoutest union shop in the country doesn’t pay out this kind of slack. Try telling the manager at Mickey D’s you need a week off for Presidents Day and he’ll give you a kick up your Oval Orifice.

Hell, try telling him you want Presidents Day off. We wish you luck in your next endeavor.