Archive for the ‘Dummy of the Day’ Category

Name that tool

October 10, 2019

“Hey, what could I tell you?”

We’ve had “Scarface,” “Joe Bananas,” and “Ice Pick Willie.”

So, whaddaya think Rudy Giuliani’s mob nickname is?

Leave your best guess, and the gun, in comments. But take the cannoli.

Trump card

August 10, 2016

The 2016 pestilential election is turning into one of the less-than-hilarious Monty Python sketches.

“You’ve got a nice representative democracy here, citizen.”


“We wouldn’t want anything to happen to it. …”


Even the dumbest casino guy knows a Smith & Wesson beats four aces.

Even the dumbest casino guy knows a Smith & Wesson beats four aces.

What indeed. Ronald McDonald McTrump has clearly let the fat in his fast-food diet go straight to his head, where a .25-caliber brain struggles to govern a .50-caliber mouth.

I wonder what his Secret Service detail thinks about his quip about a Second Amendment solution to a president’s constitutionally derived authority (Article 2, Section 2) to nominate judges, given that their colleagues protect the other candidate for the job.

The candidate whose back Der Trumpenführer just decorated with a red-white-and-blue bullseye.

Bar tender

June 26, 2014

Ride To Work Day is to the serious cyclist as St. Patrick’s Day or New Year’s Eve is to the serious drinker — amateur hour, a grim reminder that bars aren’t for everyone.

I generally pick an obscure route and an off-peak time for my cycling on this particular day, but I was both lazy and pressed for time yesterday, and used part of a heavily used bike path to get from point A to B and back again.

As I was on my way home from a pleasant outing in the hills I nearly centerpunched a noob riding on the wrong side of the path in a blind corner just past a clusterfuck of an intersection that’s already plenty dangerous for anyone who’s actually paying attention.

No harm, no foul, but still, damn. It’s nice to see new folks on bikes, but it sure would be nice if they saw us grizzled old veterans, too.


All et up with the dumbass

June 13, 2014

Jesus H. Christ, how does Sen. Babbleyap McCrankypants (R-Off My Lawn) keep getting on TV? You’d get a smarter interview from a plastic plant at a nursing home. Or a sack of hair outside a barbershop that caters to the feeble-minded. Or a bag of Chinese hammers at Walmart.

You get the idea.

This bellicose plastic sack of wet war dreams never met a meat grinder he didn’t want to stuff someone else’s kid into. You could scrape enough stupid off his dumb ass to make a six-pack of Louie Gohmerts with enough left over for two Scientologists, a Fox News anchor and the DMV of your choice.

And I would like nothing better than to see some deceased grunt’s mom give him a roundhouse dick-punch with a roll of Kennedy half-dollars in her fist, just plain pop him like the pimple he is. Arizona and the nation would be better served by a Magic 8-Ball full of old Pat Buchanan columns.

Honky if you love freedumb

April 25, 2014
Cletus don't got nothin' against no Negroes. He thinks ever'body should own one.

Cletus don’t got nothin’ against no Negroes. He thinks ever’body should own one.

Oh, Lord, the air must be thin up there in Dumbass Mountain, Nevada, where the peckerwood forest grows.

It’s not bad enough that we must endure the comedy stylings of Cletus Awreetus-Awrightus, Grand Wazoo* of the Holy Sheet Brotherhood & Posse Comatose.

No, we must hear from his daughter, too.

The wingnut didn’t fall too far from the tree there, now, did it?

I’m old enough to remember when we used to call people who stole things “criminals,” not “patriots,” and those who defended the practice by force of arms, “dead criminals,” or at the very least, “jailbirds.”

The times, she do change.

* And yes, I did manage to find a way to work in a cheap Frank Zappa gag there. Thanks for noticing.


A clean resolution

October 4, 2013
Talk about your shit-eating grins. ...

Talk about your shit-eating grins. …

Dear Air Force Academy: If it’s true that you’re short of toilet paper thanks to the feddle-gummint shutdown, I recommend that you wipe your ass with Doug Lamborn.

No more Mister Nys guy

December 28, 2012

Some heavily marinated frites-eating knucklehead thought it was amusing to toss beer on Sven Nys at the Azencross today.

Said knucklehead thought otherwise after the Cannibal of Baal — who was having a very bad day on the job — dropped his bike and ducked through the course tape to have a pointed discussion with him, just before a less restrained individual flew past to flatten the beer-pitcher.

Nys returned to the course, jogging with his bike, but eventually abandoned in disgust. Two crashes and seven dousings with beer apparently were enough for one day. Afterward he tweeted: “Throwing beer each lap is a bit much, so I got it into my head to go & ask why. A little bit of respect, please.” Word.

Dummy of the Day

January 2, 2010
Rep. John Linder (R-Ga.), the first Dummy of the Day for 2010.

Rep. John Linder (R-Ga.), the first Dummy of the Day for 2010.

Our first Dummy of the Day for 2010 comes to us courtesy of The New York Times, in a report on the millions of Americans whose sole “income” consists of food stamps.

The NYT reported collecting income data on food-stamp recipients in 31 states, accounting for about 60 percent of the national caseload. “On average,” the NYT said, “18 percent listed cash income of zero in their most recent monthly filings. Projected over the entire caseload, that suggests six million people in households with no income. About 1.2 million are children.”

And what, pray tell, would Rep. John Linder (R-Ga.) do to solve the problem? Why, repeal all corporate and individual income taxes, payroll taxes, self-employment taxes, capital-gains taxes, estate taxes and gift taxes — and replace it with a revenue-neutral personal consumption tax, the “FairTax.”

Quoth Linder: “We’re at risk of creating an entire class of people, a subset of people, just comfortable getting by living off the government. You don’t improve the economy by paying people to sit around and not work. You improve the economy by lowering taxes so small businesses will create more jobs.”

Yeah, that’s just what Isabel Bermudez is doing. When she’s not just comfortable getting by living off the government, sitting around and not working, this victim of the housing bubble distributes résumés by the ream and supports two daughters on no cash and food stamps.

“I went from making $180,000 to relying on food stamps,” she told the NYT. “Without that government program, I wouldn’t be able to feed my children.”

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the Dummy of the Day: John Linder. I hope he was better at pulling teeth out of rednecks’ jawbones than he has been at pulling his own head out of his ass.

Dummy of the Day

September 1, 2009
Showing His displeasure with psychos in minivans, God turns off the sun.

Showing His displeasure with psychos in minivans, God turns off the sun.

We’ve missed an installment or two of this special report, so here’s a Tuesday edition for you. According to the local gendarmes via the Gaslight, a Bibleburger who thought he saw someone he didn’t know riding his son’s bike  intentionally hit the cyclist with his minivan.

The cops say Timothy Hombs got something of a surprise when he stepped out of the minivan and approached the cyclist. First, he got punched; second, the bike wasn’t his son’s. Hombs was subsequently arrested on charges of second-degree assault.

If convicted, this pootbutt should lose both his driver’s license and his TV, as he has clearly been watching too many vigilante movies. Yo, Timbo, a Trek is a Trek is a Trek — there are only about a jillion of them on the road, and they don’t belong under the wheels of your soccer-mom shitbox, no matter what you thought you saw.

Jesus. And people wonder why I stick to ‘cross bikes and trails.

• Late update: I haven’t seen any minivan maniacs in Holland or Belgium today, but the Vuelta a España peloton is spending an inordinate amount of time on the rain-soaked deck anyway. More crashes than a Cat. 5 crit, including a Saxo Banker who rode straight into the back of a parked tanker truck. Owie.

• Dummy of the Day (Honorable Mention): As Freedumb Communications announces that it will indeed file for reorganization under Chapter 11, cutting its debt to a mere $325 million from more than $770 million, chief financial officer Mark McEachen proclaims, “This gives us a green light to operate the business as usual.” Oh, that’s reassuring. And what constitutes “business as usual” at Freedumb, where our Christmas bonuses once were $15 checks with the tax taken out? Why, stiffing 5,000 current and former news carriers, who were owed $28.9 million as part of the settlement of a class-action lawsuit. Notes The New York Times: “By filing for bankruptcy before a Sept. 14 deadline that would have finalized the lawsuit’s settlement, Freedom retains the right to reclaim those funds in the interest of all its creditors.” Lovely.

Dummy of the Day

August 7, 2009

That would be Heather Blish, who spoke during a town-hall meeting on health care called by Rep. Steve Kagen (D-Wisc.). According to The Huffington Post, she described herself as a concerned citizen, “just a mom from a few blocks away” and “not affiliated with any political party.”

In reality, she was vice-chairman of the Keewaunee County GOP until 2008, worked for Kagen’s opponent in the last election, and has been a member of the Republican National Committee and the state party, serving as an adviser to the IT committee.

At present, according to her LinkedIn profile, which documents a Sarah Palinesque inability to hold a job for more than a couple of years, she is a “marketing consultant”  who helps “small to mid-sized businesses … coordinate their marketing and PR efforts, ensuring an effective and successful campaign.” Hm. “Small to mid-sized” — that would just about describe today’s GOP. But “effective and successful?” That remains to be seen.

As Steve Benen at Political Animal notes in Friday’s mini-report: “If you’re going to appear on camera to attack health-care reform, and you’re going to insist that you are “just a mom from a few blocks away” and “not affiliated with any political party,” it’s best to clean up your online profile — which identifies your extensive work with the Republican Party.”