‘The excitement is contagious. …’

Dr. Memory … paging Dr. Memory. …

I woke up singing, “Make the World Go Away.”

It wouldn’t, of course. The world is remarkably persistent. Always up in your grille with its pestilence, stock-market crashes, toilet-paper shortages, leadership vacuums, Darth Gimp boots, doctor’s appointments, and stupidity.

For, like the poor, ye have the stupid always with you.

Sometimes, a guy wants a little smart. And so, after a consultation with Dr. Memory, and in keeping with the general plague theme, we present for your listening enjoyment “Waiting for the Electrician or Someone Like Him” by The Firesign Theatre.

If only we had a generated, veneered leader. (Hear, hear!) Our own “Fighting Jack.” (Where, where?) But nope — all we have is a pestilence (There, there).

Folklure

Never stand when you can sit; never sit when you can sprawl.

OK, folks, just because we can, let’s take the temperature (rimshot) of the audience.

How are all y’all dealing with The Plague?

Here, Miss Mia Sopaipilla is banking Z’s because, hey, you never know when you’ll need to be well-rested.

Herself is business as usual at La Fábrica de Bombas — as far as we know, anyway, because classified classified classified.

And I, of course, remain in my secure location at The Compound, at the helm of my globe-spanning multimedia Cirque du So Lame, which would sound funnier if I weren’t so lame.

There’s leftover oven-baked chicken and chili con carne in the ’fridge, fresh and frozen fruits and vegetables, and the makings of a variety of vegetarian soups, stews and pasta dishes in the cupboards. We are well stocked with coffee, tea, and wine, but low on fake beer, which is not an issue as nobody ever got the DTs from a lack of fake beer.

And can you believe it? We have toilet paper. Didn’t need to wipe out (heh) a Costco to get it, either. When that runs out we’ll print mugshots of Il Douche and use those, mailing them to the Orange House afterward.

But enough about us. What’s up with you? Sound off in comments.

It’s snot right

Everything these people say for public consumption should come with an asterisk and a footnote reading:
“Caution. May contain toxic amounts of bullshit.”

The New York Times has stepped on its old gray dick again, with a headline reading “Trump Tests Negative.”

These bozos still don’t get it. The man is a documented liar a thousand times over, and yet they insist on feeding us preposterous bullshit like this.

The Washington Post gets it right with “Trump tests negative for coronavirus, physician says.” See how easy that is? Absent independent verification, you attribute the statement.

“Hey, we never said that shit. His doctor did.”

If the sonofabitch said the sun rises in the east, I would step outside to see for myself. And on more than one morning, too.

Good news

“The unthinkable had always been thinkable.”
Edward Abbey wasn’t just a writer, he was a prophet.

Anyone in the mood for a bit of apocalyptic fiction in these dark days could do worse than “Good News,” by Cactus Ed Abbey, who died on this day in 1989.

Like Michael Moorcock’s Eternal Champion, Abbey’s Jack Burns took many forms (and many beatings) over the years, from “The Brave Cowboy” through “Hayduke Lives!” in which the titular character, George Hayduke, says with a grin, “See you in Hell, Jack Burns.”

He might just see the rest of us there, too.

Aromatherapy

The best part of waking up, etc.

I spent the early morning self-quarantining with a medicinal cup of French Roast-Black Lightning from Aroma Coffee of Santa Fe.

No, no, I don’t have the coronavirus. Not yet; not that I know of, anyway. Just the usual attitude. Gotta beat that shit into submission before greeting the day.

I’m not what you’d call a power user of the iPhone, but today I used mine to check the news while propped up on the pillows, enjoying my coffee. Oof, bad idea. The rest of the world seems at least as dumb as I am, which is not reassuring.

For example, I thought people might stop shooting each other for a while. You know, let nature take its course. Nope. What’s next, drive-bys on the drive-up testing sites?

“Yo, I got a test for you, bitch! How fast can you run?” Pow pow pow, etc.