The Granite Slate

~ Patrick O'Grady ~ 21 Comments
Is Comrade Eeyore strictly a creature of the hard left?
Depends on who’s talking.

“There’s a lot of supposin’ going on in the immediate aftermath of New Hampshire,” writes Mojo’s David Corn.

Oh, yeah.

John Nichols at The Nation says Comrade Eeyore, lacking definitive victories and facing electability questions thanks in part to less-than-amiable press coverage, must move beyond simple sloganeering to make his campaign “a new center where Democrats, independents, and millions of new voters have a place. …”

Meanwhile, the talking heads who want those “new center” voters pretty much anywhere but Bernie’s place are taking heart in the rise of Amy “Minnesota Nice” Klobuchar and, to a lesser degree, in the tenacity of Mayor Pete.

Senator Professor Warren is now said to be sliding off the back by the same keen observers who ignored her performance in the Hawkeye State Hayride & Corn-Fed Clusterfuck®. If nobody covers you and your campaign stumbles, does it make a sound? Apparently so.

Daffy Uncle Joe is one step closer to that rocker on the porch.

And Mike “Stop & Frisk” Bloomberg still has a big, fat wallet and is looking to slap the shit out of someone with it.

Everyone seems astonished that the Democratic contest remains … well, a Democratic contest. Messy. Noisy. Inexplicable at times, with a smattering of candidates you wouldn’t elect to a school board.

But I guess I’m relieved that we don’t have an Anointed One this time around. Daffy Uncle Joe thinks it’s his turn, or did at one time, but he was and is sadly mistaken.

I’m gonna have to give Minnesota Nice a closer look. There’s something about her that rubs me the wrong way and I’m not sure what it is. Maybe she reminds me of a publisher I’ve butted heads with. There’s a certain smugness in her expression that says, “Oh, I think we can do nicely without you and your bullshit.”

And Mayor Pete? Can’t say I’m a fan. He seems a little too well drilled, and about half a Republican. I’d like to see him on the back foot, watch what happens to his confidence when someone snatches the script away from him.

The Monitor in the Merrimack

~ Patrick O'Grady ~ 5 Comments
C’mon. When you’re staring at this much screen you want a box of popcorn, a big ol’ soda, and a preview of coming attractions that does not include the honking 18-wheeler into whose lane you have strayed.

I have an ironclad disagreement with the notion of a multiplex in motion.

My argument is a simple one: If you want to drive, get an automobile. If you want to text, tweet, phone, Facebook, Instagram, eat, drink, smoke, shoot, or stream anything other than your own bad self down the road, why, get a sofa and some fixed location to put it in.

Our discussion of the Escalade Multiplex with its 38 inches of curving OLED real estate caused me to remember an earlier screed on this very topic, from the pages of Bicycle Retailer and Industry News circa 2014. For a change I cited sources other than the voices in my head, though of course they too were interviewed at length.

Rather than simply reprint the column — c’est ennuyeux! — I barked it into the old Shure SM58 and presto! Yes, yes, yes, out popped another episode of Radio Free Dogpatch!

Too late for this year’s Pulitzer for Audio Reporting, but hey, there’s always next year, amirite? Or maybe 2024, when the sonofabitch will be 10 years old and journalistic standards may have declined even further, perhaps to my level.

P L A Y    R A D I O    F R E E    D O G P A T C H

• Technical notes: This episode was recorded with a Shure SM58 microphone and a Zoom H5 Handy Recorder, then edited in Apple’s GarageBand on the 13-inch 2014 MacBook Pro. Post-production voodoo by Auphonic. The background music is “Well Oiled Machine” from Zapsplat. Sound effects from Apple’s iMovie effects bin and Your Humble Narrator.

Don’t take it for granite, Joe

~ Patrick O'Grady ~ 21 Comments
Frosty the Snow Toad awaits news from New Hampshire.

O, ’tis a frosty auld morning out there, cold enough to freeze the stones off a three-peckered snow toad.

I haven’t checked the forecast for New Hampshire, where ’tis rumored that the Granite State may lay a nice stone over the grave of Daffy Uncle Joe’s presidential ambitions, the third time being less than a charm, it seems.

I’ll always have a soft spot for Joe, if only for the way he hee-hawed Lyin’ Paul Ryan and his zombie-eyed, granny-starvin’ bullshit right off the debate stage in the 2012 pestilential campaign.

But he’s not the man for the job this time. He has the affect of a fella who feels obliged by circumstances and the voices in his head to apply for a job that he really doesn’t want.

If Daffy Uncle Joe were the nominee, I’d vote for him, of course. I’d vote for Frosty the Snow Toad if he were running against Puffy the MAGA Dragon.

But I’d feel like a fella obliged by circumstances and the voices in his head to do a job that he really doesn’t want to do.

The 2021 Escalade Multiplex

~ Patrick O'Grady ~ 45 Comments
This beast has nearly as much screen real estate as my living room. The difference is, my living room gets better mileage and won’t be found parked on top of a cyclist because I was having trouble deciding what to watch.

Call me old-fashioned, but when I read a statement like this …

The most important screen for any driver of the new Escalade is the 14.2-inch digital instrument cluster that sits just behind the steering wheel.

… I long for the days when editors, like, y’know, edited, an’ stuff.

I would argue that “the most important screen for any driver of the new Escalade” is the fucking windshield.

Our man at The Verge doesn’t get around to wondering whether this mechanized multiplex is a good idea until quite late in the piece. Given that the curb weight of the 2020 2WD model is 5,311 pounds, you may consider me a strong “No” on that question.

Nobody needs 38 inches of OLED on the ROAD, which s/he shares with pedestrians, cyclists, motorcyclists, and other, lesser autos, like UPS trucks, cement mixers, and SWAT-team armored cars. You want to play with screens, get a living room and a comfy chair.

Mama and the papas

~ Patrick O'Grady ~ 10 Comments
Herself and Herself the Elder surfing the Innertubes for Kindle books.

We took Herself the Elder out today for a bite of lunch, a bit of light banter, and some medium-heavy shopping.

A tip of the Mad Dog sombrero to the staff at the Weck’s near Juan Tabo and Copper; they were exemplary, nearly as sweet as the two giant brownies we had for dessert.

Too, kudos to HtE, who has bounced back quite nicely after a long stretch of physical, emotional, and geographical challenges. She’s still using a walker, but her strength, endurance, and mobility seem greatly improved and she may be able to graduate to a HurryCane before long. We bought her one today, just in case.

I could’ve used a walker myself after that meal. Or maybe a wheelchair. The Original papas plate is a major gut-bomb, especially when you smother it with green chile and chase it with a brownie.

I felt like Monsieur Creosote after I finished that bad boy. Thank God nobody offered me a wafer-thin mint.