“The Nimitz did what?”
The trouble with having a certifiable loon as your ostensible “commander in chief” is that the other loons are liable to mistake his noise for signal.
“Say, Ebrahim, where’s the Great Satan’s aircraft carrier going? Who the hell is calling the shots over there, anyway?”
“The only shot this one cares about is the seven-iron he just shanked into the water hazard, your Supreme Leadership.”
* Apologies to Randy Newman.
The Lord High Mayor spoke from the Orchid Office atop Slob’s Knob.
The Lord High Mayor of Slobbiton, Douche Baggins, addressed the people this fair morn.
He announced that Iran “appears to be standing down,” and declared that Slobbiton stood ready “to embrace peace with all who seek it,” especially if they happen to be porn stars (there’s nothing like embracing a piece of a porn star).
He also denied rumors that Slobbiton would resume conscripting young Slobbitonians for its various misadventures abroad, adding that even if such an order were to be issued, it would be easily dodged.
“Trust me,” he said with a knowing wink. “I ran, and you can too.”
Jaysis. I have no idea why the tired, poor, huddled masses yearning to breathe free keep coming here.
Maybe they’re thinking: “Well, they hardly ever bomb anyone inside their own borders. Even the brown people.”
And they may have something there. I refer you to the late Professor Carlin: “You don’t have to be a history major or a political scientist to see the Bigger Dick Foreign Policy Theory. … It’s a subconscious need to project the penis into other people’s affairs. It’s called ‘fucking with people.'”
But then again, we have the Bill Burr Theory of Homeland Defense and Immigration Control: “You’re gonna build a wall from fuckin’ California to Texas? You actually think you’re gonna get this done? Look at the Freedom Tower. We actually wanted that shit, and it took almost 15 years to get it done. Half the people don’t even want this fuckin’ thing. … I’m telling you, by the time they finished it, this country would be so fucked up we’re gonna be the ones going over it.”
If Professor Burr is correct, it would seem that the Bigger Dick Theory applies to domestic affairs as well. They fuck with us here, too. Maybe all you brown people should save yourselves the climb.
Patrick O'Grady, a free-range rumormonger since 1991, sells words and pictures to Adventure Cyclist and Bicycle Retailer and Industry News. This blog is his pro-bonehead work. For more on Your Humble Narrator, click the comic.
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