Posts Tagged ‘Texas Ted Cruz the Gucci Shitkicker’

Red moon rising

July 20, 2016

I’ve been striving mightily not to watch as the GOP continues eating itself alive — it will get around to its big orange asshole tomorrow — but Lord, is it ever a tough ol’ slog.

All my usual news feeds are awash in pomposity, prevarication and psychosis. Not even the Tour could cheer me up today, and I took little pleasure in being proved correct when I predicted early on that Tejay van Gardenhose would enjoy his usual jour sans. Even an old, blind dog can unearth a moldy Milk-Bone now and then.

Tonight’s speakers list is a veritable Murderers’ Row of mendacity: Koch-sucker Scott Walker, Marco 3P0, Texas Ted Cruz the Gucci Shitkicker, veep-in-waiting Mike “Deadeyes” Tuppence, and Newt and Callista Gingrich, who probably have never starred in an adult movie titled “Mr. Toad Boinks a Robot,” no matter what you’ve heard about the uptick in porn consumption during the GOP confab in Cleveland, City of Light, City of Magic.

A red moon rising indeed. I think I’ll go crawl under my bed now.

See Cruz

March 26, 2016
We report, you decide.

We report, you decide.

OK, I think I’ve got this whole Ted Cruz/five women thing figured out:

• One to sprinkle pepper on his crotch.

• One to listen for the poor little thing to sneeze.

• One to locate it through the magnifying glass.

• One to grab it with the tweezers.

• And, of course, one to leak the whole sordid tale to the National Enquirer.

Oo-ee … oo-ee, baby. …

Butthurt Mountain

March 25, 2016
Oh, to live on Butthurt Mountain, with the barkers and the coiored balloons. ...

Oh, to live on Butthurt Mountain, with the barkers and the coiored balloons. …

Ho, ho. Texas Ted Cruz, the Gucci Shitkicker, who never saw a line he wouldn’t cross, wants to get Western with Ronald McDonald Trump over a perceived insult to his special lady.

What’s it gonna be, fellas? Secret Service details at 50 paces? Or maybe it’s Cruz getting all “West Side Story” with his monogrammed Harvard Law letter opener while Il Douche defends with a gang of undocumented Eastern European laborers erecting a yuuuuuuuuge wall of Chinese bricks purchased with someone else’s money.

“Spouses are generally seen as off limits,” says The New York Times. Uh huh. Tell that to the Hilldebeast and Michelle Obama, guys.

But how about mamas? It can’t be long before we’re into the yo’-mama stuff, right?

Just another brick in the wall

March 23, 2016
Anthony Quinn was a Meskin AND an A-rab! We should build two walls around his tomb, just in case he zombifies.

Anthony Quinn was a Meskin AND an A-rab! We should build two walls around his tomb, just in case he zombifies.

It’s long past time that we “patrol and secure” the GOP, which has already “become radicalized.”

Hey, let’s build a wall!

Jesus H. Christ. Remember when Republicans were the tough guys? Once they boldly hunted commies under America’s bed; now they cower beneath it like Chihuahua puppies afeared of the UPS man.

Who does look suspiciously coffee-colored, come to think of it. Ask him to quote from Two Corinthians to prove he’s a good Christian like the rest of us.

And no, I’m not talking about the old gag, “Two Corinthians walk into a bar. …”