Eschew obfuscation

OK, all you leg-shavers, listen up. Enough already with the “presented by,” “fueled by” and “powered by” in your already-overlong team/event names. That lame-ass marketing bullshit stopped being cute a long time ago and it fucks with the rhythm of a race story:

Kent Corner (PetsNotSoSmart-Dr. Moreau’s Are We Not Men? Animal Clinic Powered by Devo) bested Watcher Lion (PizzaMart-Liquor World Fueled By Whiskey River Gentlemen’s Club) in the Close Cover Before Striking Institute of Studying Appliance Repair At Home In Your Spare Time Tour de Industrial Park to Raise Awareness of the Hazard of Electrocution.

Seriously. Knock that shit off. You’ll notice that the real pros cuddle up to the simple hyphen, like HTC-Columbia, Garmin-Transitions or Omega Pharma-Lotto. Tell your sponsors that two big spenders make the team name and the ham-and-eggers get to hang out backstage. Money talks and bullshit walks, straight to the back pockets on the team jersey. And while we’re into the whole brevity thing, lose the “Cycling Team” part of your name. We didn’t think you were bowlers.

Finally, I notice while compiling results that all you bozos with the extra-long handles are mostly all hat and no cattle. When you’re racking up the DNFs or being timed with a sundial you want to give the working press something short, like Monk E. Spanker (OTB-Jacques).

14 Responses to “Eschew obfuscation”

  1. 1
    Sharon:

    Sounds a little like it’s time for Happy Hour? Some tasty nachos and a top shelf Rita or two might just do it. he he

  2. 2
    Charley:

    Nice rant, Maybe a coffee cup full of Chamucos is in order!

  3. 3
    Rick C.:

    Ahh, that’s the MadDog we know and love -kinda tame still actually. Someone has to say what the rest of us think, those of us without freedom…And I do hate that crap -what is this, NASCAR?

  4. 4
    Patrick O'Grady:

    Sharon, Charley, Rick — I’ve tried tequila and it doesn’t help. After 30-odd years of journalism I read this crap and I think first of the King James Version of the Bible (”Jesus wept”) and next of Ernest Hemingway (”If I started to write elaborately, or like someone introducing or presenting something, I found that I could cut that scrollwork or ornament out and throw it away and start with the first true simple declarative statement I had written.”)

    I don’t mind scrollwork and ornament in art — I prefer John Steinbeck to Hemingway — but in journalism I want to cut to the chase. Which rolls more trippingly off the tongue, “Denver Broncos” or “Team EPS-CSS p/b Brielle Cyclery?”

    That said, I just roundly enjoyed KRCC-FM’s airing of “The Sergeant and Arthur McBride,” as performed by Paul Brady, whom I saw play once in Corvallis, Oregon. The sarge takes the long way around to a well-deserved ass-kicking, but I always enjoy the trip.

  5. 5
    James:

    Woof! Grrrr………. Woof!! GRRRRRRRRRRRR

    But how will the uninitiated be able to identify their hero if it was not “Team RadioStackItInTheCorner&WouldYouLikeFriesWithThat? presented by TCWSNBN and his cronies in Big TEXa$$ who aren’t named Bubba, Jethro or Jerome?”

    I mean really ANY hyphenated name in cycling is just stupid. For example, Skil-Shimano. WTF? Is it sponsored by a drill manufacturer or a crappy bike part manufacturer?? And if it is the former, why? What relevance does Skil have to cycling? Are they slowly creeping up on Park Tools?

    Of course as I type this I am sitting under a Polo Sport Ralph Lauren MTB team poster from the late 90s….so how is that pony doing these days?

    Sadly in order to pay for their drugs, buses and bicycles the ‘racers’ need the extra infusion of cash to make it to their next race. So maybe VeloSchnooze could just shorten everyone’s name down to an acronym. Team Bike Smart can be “Team BS.” Team Franklin Union can be “Team FU.” And so on…. Just a thought.

  6. 6
    Joey:

    O’G, if this particular article from VN’s singletrack-minded cousin isn’t what set you off in the first place, you gotta check out the name of Durango’s newest team:

    Rocky Mountain Chocolate Factory Devo Sweet Elite presented by Spine Colorado/Durango Orthopedics and Fort Lewis College

    No, I’m not kidding. Here’s the article URL, which appears to be shorter than the team name: http://singletrack.competitor.com/2010/10/news/new-durango-based-u-25-team-launched_10951

    On the other hand, my new team for 2011 is simply and aptly named Bandwagon Racing. Lots of Springs guys jumping on this bandwagon - I might be the only one from anywhere west of the Front Range!

  7. 7
    Larry T.:

    The champion of the “bandwagon” approach has got to be ol’ Gianni Savio, boss of the team once known simply as Selle Italia, currently Androni Giocattoli-Serramenti PVC Diquigiovanni, based on their official title anyway. He even admits their jersey looks like a newspaper, while Heckyl and Jeckyl have a hell of a time saying the tongue-twisting name! On Italian TV they usually settle for Androni Giocattoli (ahn-drone-ee joe-caught-olee)and leave it at that.
    I too wish instead of silly names like “Toasted Sandwich Classic presented by misc. corporate cycling friends” they’d name the darn thing Tour of Colorado and the sponsors could be happy with plastering their logo everywhere to be seen in any photos of the event or the venues, as is done at Le Beeg Shew in France each July. But without the clout of the Giro or Tour to say no, we get inanities like Tour de Trump or Tour Du Pont.

  8. 8
    Charles Pelkey:

    Wow. I never thought anyone would top Androni Giocattoli-Serramenti PVC Diquigiovanni, but Rocky Mountain Chocolate Factory Devo Sweet Elite presented by Spine Colorado/Durango Orthopedics and Fort Lewis College has killed it. Un-fuckin-believable.

  9. 9
    Jeff in PetroMetro:

    I ride for Mad Dog Media. In dog years, I’m dead.

  10. 10
    Boz:

    On a similar note, why does every team and/or event have to be for a cause? Lance seems to have really brought the “awareness” to everything he does. I think we’re all”aware” of cancer, diabetes, heart disease, jungle rot, etc. Leave this stuff to the charity rides and leave the big races out of it, please. The cause of the week has jumped the shark.

  11. 11
    Larry T.:

    Tru ‘dat Boz! Back-in-the-day when we followed Le Beeg Shew in France we were often pestered by grizzled, old farts with broken bikes (something about a van with stickers all over it and a roof rack full of expensive machines will do that) begging for free parts and/or repairs — and to a man, they always had some lame excuse about deserving our help as they were riding for some cause or other! It would seem a better deal for the charity if they stayed the hell home and simply sent a check for ALL the dough they spend on “riding for a cause” rather than some tiny percentage which (for them) somehow justifies their real motive - having fun riding their bicycles.
    This shit predates Chance Legstrong but there’s little doubt he helped bring it to a new level.

  12. 12
    bagni:

    fvckin’ funny……

  13. 13
    khal spencer:

    Even “Old Guys Who Get Fat in Winter” is a mouthful. But it works on the jersey.

  14. 14
    ONeill:

    If the jersey fits. I’ve got lots more room on my kit since my ever expanding ass is spreading to my gut. “Old Guy’s Who Get Fat in Winter”
    and asses stay fat in summer then get Fatter the next winter and so on and so on………

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