Election Day 2012: Real-time snark ‘n’ bark

I voted: Nov. 6, 2012

Another feeble blow against Fascism, more properly described (by Mussolini himself) as Corporatism.

Chores will take me away from the iMac from time to time during the day, but I’ll pop in irregularly to provide my own personal lack of objective perspective on the big doin’s throughout This Great Land of Ours®. Posts will be listed below, with the most recent at the top and the least so at the bottom.

In the meantime, keep an eye on Charles P. Pierce’s Politics Blog. He’s going at it hammer and tongs over there.

And if you haven’t done so already, vote.

More below the fold: ↓

• 9:35 p.m. — And now we get to enjoy the spectacle of old angry white men in suits trying to gum out each others’ throats while spinning so fast to the right that they drill straight through the Earth’s core and wind up in a Chinese factory dorm, making iPads. Apple shrugged, bitches.

• 9:28 p.m. — And The Denver Post calls Colorado for the Big O. That’s all she wrote.

• 9:23 p.m. — Andy Borowitz provides a bit of insightful analysis: “BREAKING: Man Who Told Half the Nation to Fuck Themselves Somehow Loses Election.”

• 9:21 p.m. — NPR and AP call Ohio for Obama.

• 9:17 p.m. — NPR has O ahead in Colorado — and Charley Pierce tweets “Ballgame” as the prez apparently takes Ohio. NBC projects Obama win. And Matt Taibbi recants: “”I was wrong. Tonight doesn’t suck.”

• 9:15 p.m. – Whoops: Scratch Iowa. NPR just called my mom’s home state for the Big O.

• 9:14 p.m. — NPR: “Polls are closed everywhere except Alaska. The presidential races in Colorado, Florida, Iowa, Nevada, Ohio, Virginia and Wisconsin remain too close to call. In short, the battle for the battlegrounds continues.”

• 9:11 p.m. — 9News in Denver says Colorado is the first state in the nation to legalize weed. Smells like victory. Also like weed.

• 9:10 p.m. — Frank Rich tweets thusly: “Is it a moral flaw to admit that watching Ann Romney during Mitt’s concession speech will be Must See TV? Better than Sopranos finale.”

• 8:54 p.m. — My man Big Jonny of Drunkcyclist.com stumbles across a tweet indicating that Joe “You Lie!” Wilson appears to be on the verge of losing his seat. Perhaps it will go in search of his mind.

• 8:52 p.m. — From Charley Pierce: “Just in from Crazytown — Allen West, Steve King, Michele Bachmann all with narrow leads.” Late-night talk-show hosts need not fear a lack of material.

• 8:46 p.m. — Minnesota goes for Obama, says NPR. That crucial Lake Wobegon vote, no doubt.

• 8:38 p.m. — The Denver Post says Obama leads in Jefferson, Arapahoe counties. Down here … not so much, Herself’s hard work notwithstanding. Here we re-elected that asshat Doug Lamborn.

• 8:36 p.m. — Florida, Ohio and Virginia still in play. In VA, dipshit George Allen is shown the door by Donk Tim Kaine.

• 8:31 p.m. — Wow, man. Weed is winning in Colorado. Smoke ’em if you got ’em.

• 8:22 p.m. — New Mexico goes for El Presidente. ¡Que bueno!

• 8:19 p.m. — Charley Pierce watches Fox so you don’t have to and says Princess Dumbass of the Northwoods is “perplexed.” Imagine our surprise.

• 8:11 p.m. — Still nothing definitive from Colorado. The vote-counters must be smoking all that weed we made legal. Didn’t we? Wow, I sure am hungry for some reason.

• 8:08 pm. — Orrin Hatch wins re-election. Well, you can’t have everything.

• 8 p.m. — NPR, AP say Donk Joe Donnelly has boinked Richard “Rape” Mourdock in Indiana. It’s something God intended to happen, Dickie old scout.

• 7:52 p.m. — New Hampshire to the Big O, says NPR. Florida is going down to the wire. Brown folks, maybe? ¡Claro que si, hombre!

• 7:49 p.m. — Colorado’s Bennett tells NPR that the prez will win here again.

• 7:45 p.m. — Pennsylvania to the prez, sez NPR and CNN. And Fox calls Wisconsin for Tammy Baldwin. “VERY interesting D Senate caucus,” tweets Charley Pierce.

• 7:39 p.m. — My British colleague Carlton Reid tweeted that the BBC has called the election for Obama … then followed that tweet almost instantly with another saying, “In fact, BBC has done nothing of the sort, yet. I just enjoyed writing that.” No wonder we threw his lot off the continent all those years ago.

• 7:35 p.m. — Charley Pierce says Wisconsin has gone for the prez: “I think someone out there somewhere knows more than they’re saying.” NPR is hedging its bets on that one.

• 7:31 p.m. — Florida is scary-close. Remind you of any election from the recent past?

• 7:28 p.m. — Ohio Sen. Sherrod Brown apparently holds onto his seat. With both hands.

• 7:20 p.m. — Watching the red fill in on The New York Times election map is a handy reminder of where not to spend money over the next four years.

• 7:17 p.m. — The RomneyBot’s home state, Michigan, goes for Obama. One in the gyroscopes for you, Buster.

• 7:12 p.m. — NBC says Elizabeth Warren has whupped Sen. McDreamy in Massachusetts, according to Charles P. Pierce. There’s a new centerfold in town.

• 7:05 p.m. — NPR goes to Colorado. “It’s completely up in the air.” Thanks so much.

• 7 p.m — The polls should be closing in Colorado. More as we hear it.

• 6:43 p.m. — Donk Chris Murphy gets wrestling queen Linda McMahon in a figure-4 leglock in Connecticut, projects NPR. Watch out for flying folding chairs.

• 6:19 p.m. — Time to cook dinner. Chicken quesadillas in honor of the folks we hope will send the RomneyBot back to the factory. Back directly.

• 6:10 p.m. — Connie Mack gets his ass handed to him in Florida and independent Angus King goes to the Senate from Maine. Charles P. Pierce tweets that King will caucus with the Donks because Karl Rove tried to money-whip him stupid toward the end. Follow Charley via @ESQPolitics.

• 5:51 p.m. — Herself has just returned from her final stint working on behalf of the Obama campaign. Though a Donk in El Paso County has all the future of an OxyContin around Rush Limbaugh, she and the other volunteers busted their bitty blue butts to try to deliver Colorado to the prez. Chapeau to all of ’em.

• 5:47 p.m. — And I was working at my first newspaper — the late, lamented Colorado Springs Sun — when Tricky Dicky ran like a rat back to San Clemency. That was fun.

• 5:34 p.m. — For those of you keeping score at home, this is my 40th year as a voter, my first outing being McGovern-Nixon in 1972. This year’s choice was just as clear cut, even though this time around nobody In Authority wishes to ship me to Southeast Asia for purposes of Empire.

• 5:28 p.m. — Bernie Sanders is re-elected in Vermont. Congrats to my fellow socialist.

• 5:23 p.m. — The Miami Herald reports long lines in Florida, where record turnout is predicted.

• 5:08 p.m. — NPR is on the job, calling Indiana, Kentucky, Georgia and South Carolina for the RomneyBot and Vermont for the prez. Maple syrup for all my friends in Winooski! (This was Dog Central, circa fall 1977.)

• 4:57 p.m. — Ed Kilgore at Political Animal on what we know right now: Not much. Especially if you’re a reader of The Los Angeles Times website. What we do know? When the polls close. Thanks and a tip of the Che beret to Talking Points Memo.

• 4:43 p.m. — You’ll be pleased to know that The Los Angeles Times has this above the fold on its homepage: “L.A. County voters offer mixed views on porn condom measure.” (See “Is it too early to start drinking yet?”, below.)

• 4:35 p.m. — Is it too early to start drinking yet? We have all the fixin’s — beer, wine, whiskey, vodka, Prestone. …

• 2:50 p.m. — Looks like we’re in that long quiescent period (“It’s quiet out there … too quiet.”) before the polls start closing and the dogs start barking. Back to work. More snark to come.

• 2:18 p.m. — From Matt Taibbi at Rolling Stone: “Tonight is going to suck no matter what.”

• 1:58 p.m. — Oh, good. Colorado election poobah Scott Gessler faces an inquiry over what may be criminal and ethics violations. Seems that whenever he wasn’t busy trying to jigger the voter rolls in favor of the GOP, he may have used taxpayer dollars for personal playtime.

• 1:48 p.m. — Blowin’ in the wind: Bob Dylan says the prez will win in a “landslide.” Keep in mind that the dude has been playing harmonica for more than a half-century and still can’t get it right.

• 1:38 p.m. — Something’s cheesy in Philly, where a “large number” of voters are being forced to cast provisional ballots — which may not be counted until days after the election — and the City Commissioners’ phone yields only a busy signal.

• 1:28 p.m. — A friend and colleague e-mails to note that his polling place was busy this morning, “more so than in years past,” adding, “I’m not sure if a high turnout is good or bad for O, but if I wake up tomorrow and Mittdiculous is president, I’m going to take the day off and get shit-faced.”

• 1:03 p.m. — From The Associated Press via The Kansas City Star: “Poll problems cropping up in spots around U.S.” Maybe Fidel Castro will offer to send election monitors, the way he did in Bush-v.-Gore 2000.

• 12:55 p.m. — From Dingbat Desert (Arizona): The Senate race between Donk Richard Carmona and Repug Jeff Flake is closer than Gov. Jan Brewer’s hair is to her tinfoil beanie.

• 12:38 p.m. — From yesterday: Nobody in America should have to wait seven hours to vote (unless they get a free iPad mini). By Andrew Cohen, contributing editor at The Atlantic.

• 12:31 p.m. — Life imitates art, from NBC via The Maddow Blog: a voting machine that turns an Obama vote into a Romney vote. What’s the problem here? Chocolate and vanilla are both ice cream, right?

• 11:55 a.m. — Mother Jones is running a full-court press on Election Day, complete with Twitter feed, a guide to voter-suppression and poll problems, and a Hunter S. Thompson-style endless headline.

• 11:50 a.m. — Washington Monthly’s Political Animal has the early rundown on voter-suppression efforts.

• 11:40 a.m. — The Denver Post reports that Repugs have the edge in early voting. That’s the bad news. The good news is, it’s a lovely morning and this traditionally favors the Donks, renowned sluggards who will snooze away a foul-weather Election Day, stretched out behind the wheels of their welfare Cadillacs, rather than pluck the dirty needles from their arms and totter off to the polling place to shakily scrawl their Xs for some socialist Muslim usurper.

• 11:15 a.m. — Civic duty performed successfully. Voting took exactly 30 minutes from beginning to end, including the walk to and from the polling place; a few minutes of casual conversation with the election judges, who said they had had a busy morning; and some extra-credit time spent enhancing the ballot by drawing skulls-and-crossbones next to the names of any candidate sporting an “R.”

No GOP bully-boys tried to disenfranchise me. What would be the point? The Repugs have this place by the short-and-curlies with a downhill pull. A smart guy would register as a Repug and then try to queer the pitch from within during the primaries. But I just can’t do it, not even as a mole in service of The People.

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14 Responses to “Election Day 2012: Real-time snark ‘n’ bark”

  1. Steve O Says:

    Saw Dylan last week. Worst show I’ve ever seen. Dude playing the same song 15 times, just kept changing the words.

    Happy Election Day atcha.

    • Derek Says:

      If it makes you feel any better, he went up to look at a house in NJ and got arrested for vagrancy (or trespassing I don’t remember) the 23 year old cop that arrested him had no idea who Bob Dylan was. Nor Robert Zimmerman for that matter is my guess. The did release him when they got back to the station. I guess somebody remembers.

  2. Steve O Says:

    Don’t fret the early voter Repug lead. That’s only counting the voter affiliation of submitted ballots, not the actual vote. But more importantly, it’s completely ignoring the independent votes. GOP 39%, Dem 37%, and Indy 24% puts exactly nobody in the lead.

  3. GJ John Says:

    If anyone can get a message to Fidel, tell him “offer accepted”.

  4. larryatcycleitalia Says:

    Spent from 7 AM until 2 Pm at a local precinct here in Sioux City today, keeping tabs on the Obama supporters. The precinct official was pleased with a good turnout as well as how many folks registered to vote on-site.
    Hope to wake up tomorrow relieved to hear our country has dodged the bullet of a Romney presidency.

  5. Libby Says:

    I’m enjoying your live blogging but only tuned in 1-1/2 hours ago due to leaving home without it.

  6. Steve O Says:

    I’m on my 4th 90 Shilling. Gonna be a long night.

  7. weaksides (@weaksides) Says:

    I’ve applied whiskey with 20 miles. Now I’m checking in with a beer and NPR. Good on ya Patrick, for covering all this shit…you’re a better man than I!

  8. Jon Paulos Says:

    Love the snark! Rotating between you, HuffPost and Charly Pierce.

  9. Steve O Says:

    Where’s the Fat Lady graphic? It’s over!!!!!!!!!

  10. Dale Brigham Says:

    Claire McCaskill has won (kept) her senate seat in MO over the “legitimate rape” guy (Todd Akin). Our humble state is now officially off the list of the “Stupidest and Most Backward State in the Union.” Another state will have to take up that banner.

    Also, The President is now projected by NBC to have won Ohio. Things are looking up!

    Dale in MO (drinking Cruxan rum with lime and a bit of sugar)

  11. brokenlinkjournalism Says:

    So glad that the sitting Prez gets a chance to undo the cluster#ck that the Shrub got this place into. Which reminds me: Tuck Fexas.

  12. Steve O Says:

    CO has been losing tourist $$ to Utah and Cali for a while. 64 might change that.

  13. BenS Says:

    Well now to sweep the flying monkeys out of the House come midterms.
    With Ms. Mary Jane now free to visit CO a group tour is even more appealing. I’ll tow the trailer of beer.

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