Dope and doper

Shit makes you smart, man.

Shit makes you smart, man.

Cheech and Chong* must be laughing their asses off.

“By a 3-to-1 margin, journalists inside 3D Cannabis outnumbered customers waiting outside before the shop opened,” reports The Denver Post in its coverage of today’s first sales of legal recreational marijuana in Colorado.

“This is history I just made,” crows a Georgia gent who slept in his car, with his dog, in order to spend $180 on 6 grams of smokable herb and some munchies.

Well, Stoney, let’s get real here. Buying a legal bag of shit is not quite up there with integrating a redneck lunch counter, landing on the moon or inventing the Internet. But we take your point. Folks in Colorado — certain parts of it, anyway — can now purchase the fabled Whacky Tobacky over a counter instead of under the radar, and from someone who doesn’t look the way I did when I was selling $12 lids in Alamosa, too.

Bibleburg, naturally, decided not to participate in this making of the history. Retail sales of firearms, tattoos, payday loans, superstition, fuck books, tonsil polish in a thousand-and-one flavors, and all manner of other smokable products? Fine, fine, go about your business.

But the recreational mary-joo-wanna? Nossir. Might set the younguns to rubbing theyselfs in public, cause the Army to make bongs of its M203s, maybe even lead to dancing on Sunday.

So Manitou Springs, Pueblo and Denver will get the mota-related jobs and taxes, and Bibleburg will get the mumbling stoners. Assuming said stoners have recourse to money and reliable transportation, anyway. So we got that going for us.

Pretty silly, hey? But not as silly as the 62-year-old masters racer who just drew himself a two-year ban for using amphetamines, testosterone and EPO. Talk about hitting the trifecta. It’s a wonder the cup didn’t dissolve when he pissed in it. Doping to win masters races is like standing tiptoe on a stack of prescription pads to make yourself the biggest midget in the room.

* Looks like Tommy Chong is going to be paying a visit to an area dealer. Dave must finally be here.

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36 Responses to “Dope and doper”

  1. Patrick O'Brien Says:

    After reading your previous post I thought the Mad Dog was getting his rough edges smoothened and polished. I should have known not to worry! By the way, who is that guy in the picture?

    • Patrick O'Grady Says:

      Mombo Club

      That right there is every parent’s nightmare, including his own. When we finally graduated from the University of Northern Colorado, my buddy Mombo and I drew Hells Angel-style colors for the backs of our gowns that read “Mombo Club: Born To Pump Gas.” Went over with the folks like the proverbial fart in church on Sunday, Christmas Day.

      • khal spencer Says:

        That’s great, Patrick. Beats my tame protest by a country mile. When I was inducted into the National Honor Society, I wore my hair long, a blue work shirt similar to my old man’s (he was a machinist in the local Chevy plant), and tattered bell bottoms. In my school, that amounted to scandal. Sheesh….

      • Patrick O'Grady Says:

        I think this was more a case of me being an oblivious, privileged dickhead, actually. I thought it was funny, but Jesus, if I were the father of this young asshole I would’ve given serious thought to having him air-dropped from a B-52 into Crater Lake handcuffed to a jukebox full of Lawrence Welk hits.

      • Patrick O'Brien Says:

        Patrick, that is some FUNNY stuff! Almost blew coffee out of my nose when reading it just now.

  2. khal spencer Says:

    …Drugs to aging racers come,
    Aging racers, can be dumb…

    With apologies to another ancient one, Joni Mitchell.

    Speaking of bikes, I started out the year with a ride up Camp May Road, just to get off on the right foot. God, it was cold up there.

    Patrick, your point about all the other shit sold in Bibleburg has me laughing my ass off. These right wingers will sell all sorts of poisonous and dishonest shit, but a little weed has them doing backflips in horror.

    If it wasn’t for that job of mine, I tell you, I’d book the House Back East promptly.

    • Patrick O'Grady Says:

      Only State-sanctioned fantasies permitted here, thank you very much: Santa traveling with a fighter escort; a little old man who lives in the sky and has a list of Ten Special Things which you may not do upon pain of hellfire; and the hardy, independent Sovereign Westerner who makes his own way in the cold, cruel world with nothing more than a third-grade education and a federal paycheck.

  3. Libby Says:

    I was waiting for you to weigh in on both these stories. I admit to not knowing that marijuana was not legally for sale state-wide.
    The guy from Georgia drove , what a thousand miles one -way to purchase $180 worth of the stuff? It was worth it to be the first? So I am laughing and still laughing after reading your hilarious post.

  4. khal spencer Says:

    Oh, and Happy New Year.

  5. Chris Says:

    I think I took that picture in our place on 6th St. Or was it 13th? For some reason the details are hazy.

    • Patrick O'Grady Says:

      I believe it was 13th Street. Oh, the glorious days of canned Buckhorn, bottled Falstaff, and Jojo the Wonder Dog taking surreptitious shits in Larry’s upstairs bedroom.

      Incidentally, for those of you who don’t already know Chris, we were roomies while attending, and rather casually at that, the University of Northern Colorado in Greeley. We also worked together at what was then called the Gazette Telegraph, back in the Seventies. Chris wound up becoming a real journalist at The Press Democrat in Santa Rosa while I became, well, you know. …

  6. Andy Bohlmann Says:

    Got any of those $12 lids left?

    One of my room mates from college called yesterday to find out which pot shop I was standing in line at so he could find its web site and give me a recommendation of exactly what to buy (for him).

    I still have the hash pipe he gave me on my 21st birthday.

    • Patrick O'Grady Says:

      Alas, the $12 lid has followed the passenger pigeon, the Edsel and the typewriter into the dustbin of history. The CPI Inflation Calculator says that 1972 ounce would cost $66.91 today. Woe, etc.

      But as I understand it, the stuff These Kids Today are smoking makes our old Mexican ditch weed look like oregano from the Safeway of the Living Dead. Stoned Age technology has advanced right along with everything else.

      • Andy Bohlmann Says:

        Speaking of typewriters…about a year ago I went to my local Staples looking for a typewriter ribbon. The girl asked asked me what a typewriter was.

      • Patrick O'Grady Says:

        Help I'm a rock!

        I still have Mom’s thousand-pound Underwood manual from back in the day. It still works, too. I wouldn’t be surprised to see them make a comeback, a la vinyl records, as hipsters discover them in attics and at garage sales.

        Meanwhile, meet the Last Generation of Typewriter Repairmen.

      • David R Says:

        I still have, and very occasionally use, my old Hermes 3000 typewriter that I got for a Christmas present in ’62, I think it was. Very nice machine, and pretty lightweight. Sort of like the iPad to your Underwood Patrick.

      • Patrick O'Brien Says:

        That reminds me of when we went to an antique store in Bisbee and found the same avocado Corningware mixing bowl set that we have and use for sale as an antique for $18. WTFO?

      • Derek Lenahan Says:

        At the school I have to teach what clockwise and counter clockwise are (anti-clockwise for you weirdos). I finally ran into a kid who, when asked which way the hands on the clocks move when you are looking at them became very confused and finally blurted out, “Dude nothing moves on clocks, the numbers just change”. He was a pretty smart kid but he thought I was some kinda loony to suggest that there was some type of rotational nature to any part of a time keeping device. I want to start keeping tracking of those instances so I could write a book, “Questions that strike you speechless” similar to this.

  7. weaksides (@weaksides) Says:

    Ah yes….I just heard yesterday after our ride about “the old man” getting popped. He was (still is, but not for long) certainly something of a local legend in these parts. I’ve seen him walk off and win a few races in the past. You didn’t mention he’s also been a World Champ a time or two. Alas what they say about being too good to be true.

  8. Jim in Coalville Says:

    Lifetime ban for LeDouche… or maybe he should just retire and go away. And, for good measure, all his results nullified. Dopers suck, but Masters Dopers really suck.

  9. sherkat Says:

    Unfortunately, they let him off with a two year suspension, and he’s training for his return. LeDuc is completely unapologetic. The guy cleans up around the Carolinas all year, and targets all of the big money masters races, often doubling up in categories. I’ve been at races where he took home well over $1,000 racing masters. We’re not talking about parking lot crits. He actually made money doing this, not a shitload, but more than the stoner behind the counter of the weed store. He even downgraded to a 3 so he could beat the children as a warm up for the masters race.

  10. Larry T. Says:

    Don’t know squat about whacky-tabacky, but the stories of the masters doper make me angry. Why don’t his competitors bump him off the road a few times by “accident”? Or, if they’re all clean, they could simply refuse to line up if this guy’s at the starting line. Sometimes I think mob justice has to be employed if the regular kind is not working. This seems to be a perfect case for such things.

    • Patrick O'Brien Says:

      Larry T. your suggestion that other refuse to ride with this guy during his suspension, and after if he doesn’t come completely clean about what he used and when, is what Mr. Pelkey suggested over on RKP. I agree with both of you on shunning him, but bumping him off the road is a little extreme, don’t you think? Not to mention doing that may also be a crime.

      • Larry T. Says:

        Well, back in my club roadracing daze (motos these were) I had to deal with a competitor who self-styled himself as a kind of 2-wheeled intimidator like that Nascab #3 feller. He polished my front fender with his rear wheel a couple of times before I decided he deserved a payback. Just a wheel ahead of him and a slow but steady move to the left, where a concrete wall lay in wait, was enough to convince him I was no longer going to be messed with…….never had an issue with the guy again. So if shunning doesn’t work, something like the Cinzano boys did to young Dave Stoller in Breaking Away would be in order methinks.

      • khal spencer Says:

        Exactly what I was thinking, Larry. That Cinzano skit in Breaking Away….anyone got a spare frame pump?

      • Patrick O'Brien Says:

        Larry, I see what you mean.

    • Patrick O'Grady Says:

      Shunning is the thing. Who would want to train or race with this dude after this? He sounded like a big enough dick before he got caught, and based on the story I linked to he doesn’t appear to be overflowing with contrition.

      Why he was taking testosterone is a mystery to me. The sonofabitch seems to have all the balls in the world.

      • khal spencer Says:

        My wife subscribes to one of the satellite plans, which for the life of me, seems like money that could just as well be flushed down the john directly for all the good it does. The number of testosterone, dick hardening, and other “drugs for aging boomers come” being proffered to folks like me who are reaching the last turn in that quarter mile race of life (sorry for the bad analogy, I ran sprints in high school) are appalling.

        Nature says as you age, your testosterone goes down. But TV says that all you need to do is take a pill and you will have a boner big enough for every nineteen year old to be throwing herself at you. Spare me the bullshit….

      • Patrick O'Brien Says:

        And remember if that woody lasts longer than four hours, get thyself to the nearest emergency room. Man, I would love to be a fly on the wall when one of those guys comes in. “Sorry sir, but you waited too long to come in and that is the last time it will stand up. “

      • khal spencer Says:

        One of my aging ocean science colleagues back at the U of Hawaii had to go to the ER for one of those six hour erectile superfunction events. We never let him live that down.

      • Larry T. Says:

        I remember the story of the dolt who, after hearing his neighbor go on and on about his injectable woody juice, borrowed the stuff to experiment with – the results (after his hospital visit) were that his normal capacity was forever destroyed…he’d be using the needle for the rest of his life. Meanwhile, the AMA has come out with claims that the vast majority of Rx testosterone users have no genuine, medical need for the stuff.

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