I got your ‘partial zero emission’ right here

A Subaru Impreza that’s belching cigarette smoke from the driver’s window is hardly a “Partial Zero Emissions Vehicle,” which is marketing bullshit anyway. It’s either a zero-emissions vehicle or it isn’t.

PZEV sounds like the sort of stealth fart we used to call a “one-cheek sneak.” Elevate half the butt slightly above the plastic chair and let fly as the teacher pauses in mid-lecture to take a breath.

Pppppppzeeeeeeeevvvvv.

I found myself stuck behind this PZEV shit (that’s an audio pun, son!) while riding my Vespa over to the scooter shop for its annual maintenance and a minor repair. Interesting how the de rigueur carry for a lit cig’ these days is out the window. As much as the fuckers cost you’d think the addicts would want to keep all those expensive carcinogens inside the car where they can get full value out of each nicotine stick.

But what do I know? I shed that particular vice three decades ago, when a carton of Marlboros cost less than a Subaru.

Still, if ever there was a bad week to quit smoking, this was it. Smack in the shitter goes Iraq, with all the usual suspects slithering out from under their rocks to flicker their forked tongues for fun and profit — including Dickless Cheney and his carpetbagger kid, who’s so overfed and under-taught that she couldn’t even queer a Wyoming election properly. Some 4,500 Americans dead in her daddy’s imperial fantasies and yet the cyborg sonofabitch walks the earth unfettered.

Plus Herself has been road-tripping again, leaving me in charge of quarters. The Augean Stables is what that is. Bowls to fill, litter boxes to empty, Boos to walk twice daily — did you know you have to pick up the dog shit now?

Well, here, anyway. In DC they put it on the Sunday shows and on the op-ed page of The Wall Street Journal.

• Extra Credit Bonus Shit That Pisses Me Off: Eagle, another anonymous stop along the Interstate 70 Industrial Tourism Sacrifice Zone, is creating fun stuff for visitors to do. Bibleburg is angling for gilded turds in the old five-ringed toilet, hoping to display same for ham-and-eggers shuttling between Six Flags Over Bethlehem and the American Opinion Bookstore.

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11 Responses to “I got your ‘partial zero emission’ right here”

  1. Rascal Says:

    WORD!

  2. Pat O'Brien Says:

    “PZEV shit” is funny stuff. Good for Eagle. Didn’t go the Gazette piece because I don’t want to answer their stupid survey questions and eat a million cookies to read their worthless story. Cheney can eat shit and bark at the moon. I still have lust in my heart for a Vespa. But the only dealer is in Tucson, and they ain’t much to talk about. But, Vespa is Italian class, and you know what Larry says about Italian stuff.

  3. Pat O'Brien Says:

    “Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them’s making a poop, the other one’s carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?”
    Jerry Seinfeld

  4. Steve O Says:

    It always cracks me up… Have seen about five people in the last two weeks smoking while driving a Prius. It’s like they want to save the planet, but don’t want to live long enough to find out if it worked

  5. khal spencer Says:

    Fuckin A….

  6. Larry T. Says:

    Thanks – you’re making me ever-so-glad I’m not in the US of A at present. Sadly, in barely a month I have to come back…but only for about 6 weeks – then we move to Rome for a year. PO’G, send me the Monsignor’s email, doesn’t he live there?

  7. BruceM Says:

    A tad cranky today are we, Patrick? BTW: Here in this small village in the Pacific NorthWet, the O’Grady house has been put on the market. What? You don’t like it here?

  8. Charley Says:

    At least you are the dog owner. I have to walk my father-in-law’s dog and pick up its shit three or four times a week. At this time of the year it’s in excess of 100 degrees here.
    Regarding Iraq the media is ‘pro Iroq anything’ regardless of whether the discussion is for going in for staying. White noise maybe?

  9. Dale Says:

    We should kidnap Cheney and put him on a plane to Italy. I think there is still a warrant for him there.

    • Pat O'Brien Says:

      Then Larry could take him out for a ride. Preferably one with a long fast descent.

      • Larry T. Says:

        I still treasure the image of ol’ Dick flipping me the bird from behind the bullet-proof glass of his limo as he sped past me holding a “Bush-Cheney = Miserable Failure” sign when he came to town to stump for re-election! And to think that guy was just one pretzel away from being prez. AGHHHH!

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