‘This customer needs service’

A United customer-service agent faced with an overbooking situation prepares to “re-accommodate” a passenger.

Not content to settle for losing/destroying its passengers’ luggage, delaying/canceling their flights, or simply leaving them stranded well short of their “final destination,” United has taken customer service to a whole new level undreamed of by Samsung, Comcast or your friendly local DMV:

Just kick the shit out of the troublesome sonsabitches.

C’mon. You knew it was coming. United specializes in employing the unemployable, the sort of authority-mad misfit who can’t make it as a mall cop, Klan enforcer, or presidential press secretary.

Sooner or later one of United’s goons was going to segue from daydreaming of the good old days euthanizing puppies in Leach Field, Alabama, to siccing the dogs on some passenger who not only didn’t want to get boned, but wouldn’t even pull his pants down on command.

As usual, this pissy attitude trickles down from the top. CEO Oscar Munoz should be sentenced to flying coach for a few years to see how long it takes him to become “disruptive and belligerent,” and if he were to be “re-accommodated” by a size-13 boot to the balls, well, I don’t expect many United customers would shed a tear.

But y’know what? Fuck us and what we think. United stock actually closed up after all this bad noise. America’s commercial airlines are enjoying record profits (United made $2.3 billion in profits last year). Overbooking flights pays off.

So shuddup, siddown and enjoy our in-flight entertainment: a gladiatorial match featuring four passengers selected at random. If you’re lucky, we won’t “re-accommodate” you at our cruising altitude of 36,000 feet, the way we just did your luggage.


8 Responses to “‘This customer needs service’”

  1. khal spencer Says:

    And to think I used to be a United Airlines Frequent Flyer back when I lived in Paradise.

  2. Jeff Cozad Says:

    Fly the Friendly Skies

  3. Pat O'Brien Says:

    Coming soon, cattle prods. Move along you doggies! What, not obeying flight crew instructions? Must be a fucking terrorist. Tase their asses first, then drag ’em out.

  4. Pat O'Brien Says:

    Latest news say United stock down 3% since market opening. Don’t mess with the Chicago cops. Remember 1968? I was on the bridge over the Chicago river on Adams heading towards Union Station when the tear gas cloud enveloped us. Didn’t even know what was going on. Just another ignorant 19 year old commuter going home from work.

    • Patrick O'Grady Says:

      Yeah, they took their own beating once the deal went viral. They’ll bounce back. Not everyone is as committed as I am to Air Subaru.

      Meanwhile, and too, yes, by all means, don’t start a fight with Chicago coppers unless you are prepared to go the distance. You are likely to have an unfortunate accident, and maybe more than one of them, too.

  5. Herb Clevenger Says:

    Wish I had a salient or even borderline humorous comment but this United Air event surpasses even Bannon’s wildest alt-right dreams. I do fly a lot but almost exclusively with Southwest. They at least smile when you are being porked over.

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