So 15 minutes ago? How about 85 years?

Don’t let the clouds fool you. That’s steam boiling off my bald noggin.

Seventy-one at 5 a.m. No, not me, the temperature.

And that’s outside, mind you. In the office, it’s 78.

We have at least three days of the roast-a-rama ahead, so it’s ride early or not at all. Hunker down in the air conditioning like we did as kids at Randolph AFB outside San Antone. You were either marinating in poisons and pee at the O-club pool or camped out in front of the Fedders window unit, playing Monopoly. Venture outside and you’d sink into the tarry streets like a dinosaur at La Brea, later to mystify alien archaeologists.

The God of the Tar People, discovered when a skeleton was unearthed by Vulcan archaeologists sometime in the distant future. Historical note: Like many a cartoonist, F.O. Alexander got stiffed for his work drawing characters for Monopoly.

“Chlorine must have been an essential nutrient for these semiaquatic creatures. And their god appears to have been this fellow with the archaic headgear and outlandish facial hair, who seems possessed of astonishing wealth.”

The Masi Speciale Randonneur review for Adventure Cyclist has been shipped, as has the August cartoon for Bicycle Retailer. I’m been thinking not very hard about an episode of Radio Free Dogpatch, but it seems podcasts are so 15 minutes ago, just like blogs. Or phrases like “so 15 minutes ago.”

In other news, Ginger Hitler has taken his song-and-dance routine to another Nuremberg rally, where he debuted a new three-syllable chant (he’s a man of few words, which is to say he only knows a few). A new low? Not for long, according to Kevin Drum at MoJo.

And finally, Le Shew Bigge is heading into the Pyrenees, just in time for Zoom-Zoom Froome — who is absent while recovering from a nasty pre-Tour get-off — to be named champion of the 2011 Vuelta a España after Juan José Cobo rang the Dope-O-Meter®.

Yes, that’s 2011. We’re not all the way back to 1934 yet, but we certainly seem headed in that direction.


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31 Responses to “So 15 minutes ago? How about 85 years?”

  1. Pat O'Brien Says:

    Just when you thought it couldn’t get worse, it did. And, the grand tour winners still “ringing the dope-o-meter.” What ever happened to pols who could hide their corruption so we couldn’t see it? And doping riders need to hide the shit better. And, start wearing one of these. What you don’t know……..

    • Hurben Says:

      There you go Pat.

      • Hurben Says:

        Sorry, given the picture that came up, we should remember that the individual Lém in civilian clothes was alleged to have just cut the throats of South Vietnamese Lt Col Nguyen Tuan, his wife, their six children and the officer’s 80-year-old mother.[16]

      • Pat O'Brien Says:

        Good day Hurben. The ugly American strikes again. And, the ugliest American lives in the white house.

        Anyway, hope your health is improving. Don’t forget to reserve me a cot space in your garage. I’m going to need it when the asshole names himself president for life.

        • Hurben Says:

          Hiya Pat, no worries, I’ll also toss the garden hose over the washing line so that you’ll have somewhere to shower.

          Healthwise it’s “character building” with my PSA levels skyrocketing & the specialists debating what to do next.

          However, given that I now have beaten my father by 10 years it’s all good, live forever or die trying.

          Take care out there.

  2. khal spencer Says:

    Lucky me to be at 7,000 feet instead of 5k. It only hit 90 yesterday. I got to the BTAC meeting a little sweaty, but then again it was a Mayor’s Bike Advisory Committee meeting and most of us showed up a little wilted.

  3. larryatcycleitalia Says:

    I’m scratching my head at ASO here. They left a blank after BigTex’ name was scratched out, but put Froome’s up after another dope cheat is found at La Vuelta? One guess is the high-powered lawyers that got Il Frullatore off the hook on his salbutamol caper made some calls.
    The same kind o’calls a few other teams made to UCI HQ about having the World Tour limited to 18 teams. The teams have the sanctioning body over-a-barrel now since the UCI can’t afford the high-priced lawyering it takes these days to win bike races. Meanwhile, the current world time-trial champ goes missing in the middle of the TdF? This certainly will end in tears…or perhaps a bout with a rubber hose if the stories about the team owner are to be believed! Maybe they really should put the whole sport on Zwift?

    • Pat O'Brien Says:

      The UCI is an amateur organization trying to sanction a professional sport. Hasn’t worked before; it doesn’t work now. The drug testing is also for amateurs. No professional rider should have to endure the leaks, privacy invasions, and shoddy lab work that WADA and its partners force on them.

      • larryatcycleitalia Says:

        Privacy invasion? Like peeing in the cup while someone watches, since in the past cheats have rigged up squeeze bulbs and tubes full of untainted pee to pass the tests?
        I’ll admit now and then a innocent competitor may be snagged but WADA overwhelmingly ends up letting cheats off the hook for fear of false positives vs ruining the careers of innocent competitors. You no doubt remember how many dope tests the biggest sporting fraud in history failed?

      • SAO’ Says:

        Too bad the All-Drug Olympics never panned out. You lose your title after they test your frozen pee, they just move your name over to the All-Drug category. Simple as double-entry bookkeeping.

      • Pat O'Brien Says:

        Larry, I am specifically referring to the “where abouts” notifications required by WADA and USADA, as well as other national sanctioning bodies for cycling, for out of competition testing. These requirements are an invasion of privacy that no normal employee would put up with. I did not have to put up with that type of testing while holding a very high security clearance. I’m fairly certain that Khal did not either. I consider these kinds of requirements total bullshit for a professional sport, any sport. Why do you think unsanctioned events are surging in popularity? Even though USA cycling is telling riders if they ride in unsanctioned events they can be fined. Is that OK?

        • larryatcycleitalia Says:

          Well, how and why were those requirements put in place? Doping doesn’t just work if you take the stuff on race morning so how else can they catch the cheats unless they make them subject to surprise tests away from the events?
          Nobody takes out a racing license these days without knowing they are subject to this scrutiny and last time I checked nobody was ever forced to take out a racing license to put food on their table.
          It’s a sport, not a job. If you don’t want to play by the rules – don’t play. Do these unsanctioned events you refer to not have rules against doping?

  4. psobrien Says:

    And in the not fake news, Epstein stays in jail until trial. I think they should move Cohon into the next cell, or even have them share a cell. Flip baby, flip.

  5. Sharon Says:

    Headed to 7200 feet as fast as I can before I completely melt. Will be nice to ride a few days without ending up drowning in a liquid pool of sweat.

    • Patrick O'Grady Says:

      4 p.m. and we’re at 97 here in the foothills, with “moderate” air quality, which I guess means radicals like me have to stop breathing it.

      Where are you headed?

      Me, I rode early when it was less hellish and have been ignoring the news in favor of working on the Voodoo Nakisi, which has been in need of a little love, including new wheels and brakes.

      • SAO’ Says:

        Had the same number of degrees here as Nena had luftballoons. And if I still had as much hair as I had in the Eighties, with MTV-levels of hair product, it would have burst into flames just thinking about going outside.

      • Sharon Says:

        Headed for the Continental Divide/Salida. Bought a lot to build upon, but not enough money to build yet. I can dream. But for now will be in an AirBnb. It might get warm in the afternoon, but what about 55 degrees overnight with 17% humidity. Here I wake at 6 a.m. to go for a ride in the “cool” part of the day and it’s 80 degrees with 85% humidity to start the ride and gaining fast after sunrise…

        • Patrick O'Grady Says:

          Well chosen indeed. If you’re still there on Sunday, July 28, you should drift up to Fairplay and catch the 71st Annual World Championship Pack-Burro Race. It should be even cooler at 10,000 feet.

          Or visit scenic metropolitan Weirdcliffe, where there’s some excellent riding to be had, especially if you enjoy the gravel like the Kool Kidz.

          My man Hal reports from his heavily fortified compound near Dilley Ranch/Bear Basin that the temperature at 7 a.m. yesterday was 44. It’s 6 a.m. here in ’Burque and already 75. The air conditioner has kicked on at least once this morning.

      • khal spencer Says:

        It was 100 deg F in Pojoaque at about 5 p.m. yesterday. Lucky me, I was in a car with the A/C on headed home.

    • JD Dallager Says:

      Sharon: We’re at 7500′ in Black Forest, CO and it’s still 89 F. Be safe!!!!!

  6. carl duellman Says:

    should we talk about the weather? should we talk about the government?

  7. larryatcycleitalia Says:

    So the Great Chinese Global Warming hoax is hitting Trump-land? Where’s Jim Inhofe when you need him? Someone should unplug the White House’ A/C for awhile and see if Don the Con gets the hint?

  8. Herb from Michigan Says:

    Only hit 91 here in the Mitten State. Well…with heat index it topped 100 with humidity at 69% which makes it hotter than the hubs of hell. Had to work outside fixing/building stuff. I swear I lost 30 IQ points I can ill afford to part with. No ride or paddle this evening as Talk Talk, cold beer and AC wins the vote. Screw the lawn, it can mow itself or die altogether for all I care.

  9. Herb from Michigan Says:

    20 years ago I said time to be an Earth Dad and stop mowing and polluting (along with wasting countless hours that could have better been spent riding or at least contemplating my navel). Yessir, that manicured acreage is for Rethuglicans, not a free thinker like me. Well the goddamn invasive plants took hold and instead of nice, natural meadows we ended up with choke cherry vines, poison ivy, Trees of Heaven ( they are most certainly NOT) and pricker bushes that will shred fucking Kevlar pants I tells ya. So thousands of dollars later and many, many hours of painful work yields at least something I can mow down now and then. But I didn’t bargain on Global Weirding making things grow 3 inches a day. Think I’m kidding? Michigan is feeling like the Congo these days. Oh for some snow…

    • Pat O'Brien Says:

      Cheer up Herb. You could have a yard full of prickly pear and cholla cactus. Get into that cholla and you are going to need good tweezers and a shit load of duct tape.

  10. Mark Allen Johnson Says:

    Tour time hopefully the latest evil empire incarnation fails miserably and l can find it in me to give a damn again about the tour. Hasn’t happened yet and those early mornings LUGging seem like different lifetime. I do miss the insight of Pelkey and the entirety of the O’Grady experience. That along with the rest of the lugnuts kept me watching longer than l would have otherwise. Pat pass on my best to Charles and certainly wishing all the best to you as well. Sincerely, Motomark

    • Patrick O'Grady Says:

      Hey, Mark, long time no see. I quit caring about the Tour after Chazbo and I gave up the Live Update Guy thing. I do miss huddling around the fire, hooting cheerfully as we painted the cave with red ochre and charcoal.

      This would have been a good Tour to make our triumphant comeback. Based on what little attention I’ve paid, it seems like it’s more of a bike race and less of a processional.

      “The O’Grady experience.” Haw. It can be that, for sure.

      I’ll pass on your greetings to Comrade Pelkey, who has been busy lawyering and politicking.

      Meanwhile, The Guardian has been doing some interesting live updates this year. Occasionally they wander pretty far afield, though never into limericks, Monty Python and Fat Guys singing. They don’t even drop the occasional Quentin Ferrentino reference. …

  11. ryansubike Says:

    I think the summer I was about 9 I did nothing but play Monopoly with the neighbor kids all summer in the cool basement..good times

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