12 Days of ’Toonsmas: Day 12

He’s back? Oh, God, no. Wasn’t it bad enough the first time around?
From the December 2019 issue of BRAIN.

Behold the final installment of the 12 Days of ’Toonsmas.

Now and then I think it would be fun to be a columnist as in days of yore, cranking out the tees, and also the hees, for fun and (very little) profit.

And then I think again.

Columning can feel an awful lot like work, and it seems that climate change is thinning everyone’s skin when you’d expect it to be doing just the opposite. Surely some of these squealing ninnies should’ve bled to death by now, the way they announce with outrage ev’ry prod with the bodkin. But no, it seems one wee prick merely arouses another.

Better to have my own little shop here on this unremarkable back alley, well off the Infobahn, where the Twitters and Facebooks roar around and about, one hand on the horn and the other out the window, middle digit extended. However do these people steer? Why, with the knees they’d like to shove in your groin, if they were ever to clamber down from the heights of their machinery, which they will not.

So here’s a toast to those of you who continued to patronize the joint during 2019 despite its lack of modern conveniences, the NO SOLICITORS sign, and general air of disreputability. It’s not easy to find, there’s not much in the way of parking, and you want to lock up your bike in this neighborhood if that’s how you roll.

Mind the Committee of Perpetual Grievance milling about there on the sidewalk. He’ll call a meeting about you if you should happen to tread on his toes.

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31 Responses to “12 Days of ’Toonsmas: Day 12”

  1. khal spencer Says:

    Patrick, we all owe you a debt of gratitude for keeping this site up and the pickle barrel constantly engaged. One of the advantages of this site is it is made up almost exclusively of regulars rather than anonymous trolls, there is a sense of civility, and a sense of common purpose: bicycles, snark, sarcasm, humor, etc.

    May 2020 bring better things and by all means, stay away from Twitter, something I have to wean myself away from.

  2. Pat O'Brien Says:

    Reading this post with great cartoon is a nice way to end my year. Thanks Patrick for providing this place to hang with the great humor, satire, cartoons, and music. And, the unique outlook on the world at large that you provide.

    The highlight of 2019 was the Santa Fe Century ride in May with my buddies around me. The remaining part of the year, minus the guitar enlightenment and acquisition portion, was meh. But, I made some moves to simplify my life, own less shit, and have more time to, you know, like hang out here or pursue other pleasurable and total nonproductive activity. Live long and prosper in 2020. 2020?? When the hell did that happen?

    • Patrick O'Grady Says:

      My pleasure, Paddy me lad. The SF ride was a giggle for sure. And simplification is goodification. I need to simplify the bike collection. But it will feel like cutting off my own bits.

      • Pat O'Brien Says:

        We have become a one car and one bike house and have disposed of many other bits and pieces accrued over the years. But, before you beat yourself up over your sizable bike stable, consider that I have purchased another new guitar. Long story short, the Godin Kingpin and Blues Junior amp purchase was a rookie mistake made my someone who should know better after 70 trips around the sun. The thing just sat for three months. So, off they went to Rainbow, and after I took a small lickin’ financially a new Taylor 312ce is in the house. So, only 1 bike but 3 guitars.


      • Patrick O'Grady Says:

        Ooo, purdy. Well chosen, sir. I’m mostly playing the Art & Lutherie Roadhouse these days; the Seagull spends a lot of time in its case. I should take it out to greet the new year.

  3. Chris Coursey Says:

    Happy New Year, Beeyitch! I’m always lurking around here, and appreciate the fun – even if I don’t weigh in very often. Keep it up!



  4. Dale Says:

    You should take down the NO SOLICITORS sign, it doesn’t work anyway for the truly determined evangelicals around here – God being on their side and all.

    Schools have stopped selling overpriced cans of peanuts and greeting cards due to child safety issues.

    Local politicians are easy to deal with. I tell the ones that I intend to support that they have my vote, allow them to plant a sign in the yard, and that keeps the other candidates away.

    Worked well so far.

    • Patrick O'Grady Says:

      The sign gives me an excuse to open fire.

      Did I ever tell yis of the time the Witnesses came calling to my little hovel on Mill Street in Bibleburg, back in the Seventies? I saw them coming and opened the door. Bad idea.

      My street-fighting Alamosa dog Jojo shot past me, as he detested all unauthorized personnel. My girlfriend’s dumb-ass German shepherd-husky cross saw Jojo go, and since Samson wanted to do whatever Jojo wanted to do, why, he went with him.

      And the Witnesses were soon legging it up the street with these dogs in pursuit, because Jojo was nothing if not thorough and Samson was nothing if not dumb.

      • khal spencer Says:

        Good story.

        I had just gotten off the night shift as a Univ of Rochester security guard (that’s how I paid my tuition and beer bills as an undergrad) and it was a rough night. We had to put a psych patient in restraints. I was sitting in my pajamas on a Sunday morning at about 0800 having a beer. Guess who walks up to the door? The JWs. When I answered the door in my PJs holding a bottle of beer, I thanked them for their efforts and they just gave up and left.

      • Larry T. atCycleItalia Says:

        Back in Ioway I used to confound the folks who rang the bell to save me from various things. I’d just say, “Sorry, we’re pagans. You’ll have zero luck here. Have a great day.” with a smile. They’d walk away shaking their heads. I guess they wondered how a pagan could be happy… and happily get rid of them?
        I have zero problem with religions – until they get organized and start thinking everyone’s gotta share theirs or they’re going to hell.

  5. lisafw Says:

    Happy New Year to you & yours, from us here in the Peoples Republic. Have enjoyed the 2019 insights & look forward to more in 2020. Cheers! Lisa & Bret

  6. SAO' Says:

    Old friends pass away, new friends appear. It is just like the days. An old day passes, a new day arrives. The important thing is to make it meaningful: a meaningful friend – or a meaningful day.
    Dalai Lama

    🧘🏻‍♂️ The Dalai Lama was once asked what had been the happiest point in his life. He answered, “I think right now.” 🧘🏾‍♂️

    My goal for 2020, courtesy Dr Sam Harris:
    Whatever happened yesterday, and whatever may happen today, take this moment, and with clear intention — by noting a sound, a sensation, or a rising thought — simply cease to be a monkey.

    Happy 2020 to everyone out there, but especially those of you visiting Patrick’s infobahn imbiss, where we can always grab a Rittersport and a Spezi to help us get through the next hundred kilometers.

  7. Michael Porter Says:


    Happy New Year 🎊🎈🎆 to you and your lovely wife.

    Thanks for keeping us entertained and let us now if you’re ever in PDX

  8. Larry T. atCycleItalia Says:

    Happy New Year to all and grazie mille for your efforts at making us laugh. Best wishes for 2020, when we hope a real US president might be elected to replace the scam artist who holds the office at present.

  9. Dale E. Brigham Says:

    Happy New Year to all from Mid-MO! As one of my old friends used to toast, “Here’s to Better Days!”

    From Dale, Jo, Frankie, Ivan, and Fiona (the last three being our household’s feline overlords)

  10. B Lester Says:

    Many thanks to the Rev. Herr Doktor Professor O’G for providing the highest quality snark in the realm. My days are always brighter thereby.

    As we mark another orbit, I’m reminded of what me and my boyos here in south central Wisconsin say. It’s better to be mowing the lawn than push in’ it up from beneath.

    Save me a spot in the old guys peloton, as when I retire in a few, I’ll be available to suck some wheels.

    • Herb from Michigan Says:

      Sorry B.Lester…I already have dibs on the primo wheel sucking position in the old guys peloton. Lord knows I need it. But I cannot say I actually deserve it..I’m only 66 and I do defer to all elders because of my midwestern upbringings. We may be porky and slow witted but damn we are polite.

      • Pat O'Brien Says:

        I thought that was my slot. Like when Patrick and Khal stopped to wait for the “old guy.” Know that I think about it, you were with me.

        • B Lester Says:

          Oh yeah. That’s gonna be funny. I’m 63 next summer. Imagine three old farts bumping shoulders for the sweet spot behind PO’G and Khal. Wow, just wow……

    • Patrick O'Grady Says:

      I am so stealing that one, B. I favor a McGuaneism of similar heft: “I am on top of the earth and I don’t work for the government.”

  11. JD Dallager Says:

    Apologies for weighing in here late, but you, PO’G, and the illiterati who contribute to this colloquium, are a blessing that can’t be thanked enough.
    To all: Keep the faith, stay healthy, stay safe, remember that yesterday’s box score isn’t the way to make tomorrow better, and ride on! Or get outside! Or hug the ones you love! Or just smile at everyone you meet! 🙂 🙂 🙂

  12. John A Levy Says:

    Thanks from those of us just a little off the bubble.

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