Cancer Jesus gets nailed


31 Responses to “Cancer Jesus gets nailed”

  1. Larry T. Says:

    Seems like biz as usual for pro cycling – toss out the guy who is caught (despite all their efforts at concealment, etc.) and make empty proclamations about continuing to root out the cheaters while taking the bribes, milking the conflict-of-interests and lining their pockets. Just when you think things have hit rock-bottom you realize there’s still further for pro cycling to fall with these asshats in charge.

  2. JEff Cozad Says:

    I’m waiting for a little bit of Lysol to be sprayed are in UCI Land.

    I’d have gone with this one:

  3. Patrick O'Grady Says:

    Roger the need for a breath of fresh air at UCI HQ. Here’s a proposal for its reorganization that I think we can all support:

    • Jeff Cozad Says:

      It’s the only way to be sure.

      • khal spencer Says:

        Fuckin’ A indeed.When I was listening to the sound byte from UCI this morning on National Public Radio, the usual film clip from Casablanca came to mind.

        By the way, I was shocked, shocked, that NPR didn’t interview Pelkey.

      • Patrick O'Grady Says:

        Gents, look for Consigliere Pelkey on “All Things Considered” this afternoon.

      • Steve O Says:

        Hope he closes with the “don’t let the door hit you on the way out” line that he used on his Explainer piece.

    • khal spencer Says:

      “There is no connection between the (2002) donation to the UCI and a test covered up, because there was no test to cover up,” said McQuaid, who added that the federation would accept donations from athletes in the future. “We would accept it differently and announce it differently than we did before.”

  4. GJ John Says:

    I was having dinner with friends on Friday night when the topic of HWSNBN came up. One friend, who doesn’t follow bike racing, was of the opinion that since HWSNBN has done so much good for the cancer community that it really didn’t matter if he’s doped. In essence, the “ends justifies the means”. It didn’t matter that others may have been more deserving of those wins since HWSNBN has done so much “good” as a result of his wins. I tried to explain my point of view, that HWSNBN has been using the cancer issue and community to boost his own fame and fortune, but that fell on deaf ears.

    To my knowledge, this friend of mine has never had cancer and if anyone close to him has he’s never mentioned it. To my friend, nailing HWSNBN for doping is like nailing the ambulance driver for speeding: lives are being “saved” and we’re punishing their savior for violating some chicken-shit law that every else was breaking too.

    So “Cancer Jesus” is a good description, and I expect that HWSNBN will portray himself as exactly that. And I’m certain many more people than ever follow bike racing will continue to buy his act.

    • Patrick O'Grady Says:

      And the Church has comforted many people over the centuries, too, if you don’t count the Inquisition and a penchant for pedophilia.

      Yup, Big Tex v3.0 will be Cancer Jesus, the humble binder of wounds. Between court dates, anyway. The Tour wants its money back, the Times of London and SCA are gonna want their money back … how does that old Mexican curse go? “May your life be filled with lawyers?”

  5. Stan Thomas Says:

    Ah the “Great Satan” gets cast out, oh wait, that’s the US of A.

    So now we have to wait not just 4 weeks but 15 years to find out who won (or not) a Grand Tour. Tour de Farce some persons of my acquaintance have been calling it for some time now. Self-flagellation and playing into the hands of Top Gear.

  6. Kevin Says:

    Does this mean during LiveUpdate we no longer have to have conversation about HWSNBN? Thanks god. And, will the tdF, UCI, et al, sue all of those other riders for their money? It’s the only real issue I have with this whole thing. Crucify them all, as far as I’m concerned.

  7. khal spencer Says:

  8. Jon Paulos Says:

    Let the lawsuits begin! Let’s see…

    SCA shelled out $7.5 mil in 2006, and at 5% per year, that’s now a hair over $10mil that they’ll want back, plus let’s toss in $1mil for lawyers’ fees. Then the Times of London coughed up $1mil in 2005, and at 5% that’s $1.4mil, plus let’s toss in $1mil for lawyers’ fees. So we’re up to $13.4mil, which doesn’t include punitive damages.

    And then let’s see who of his victims sues for pain and suffering. The Irish massage therapist could probably use the cash, and she’s got a good case. Betsy Andreu? Yup. Franky? Probably. Levi’s wife? Think creepy text from Lance. Floyd needs the money. Oh, and let’s not forget the USPS, which is in constant need of a cash infusion.

    Man, time to put Pelkey on retainer just to keep on top of all this.

  9. Steve O Says:

    Again, greatest Tour rider of 2000-2010?

    Looks like Carlos Sastre is the last man standing.

  10. Steve O Says:

    Some lucky Wikipedia editors will be busy today.

  11. brokenlinkjournalism Says:

    I guess this means that I could say I won the TdF between 1999 and 2005. Not to mention the 1993 Worlds, and a few other races that some doped up Yank won.

    I’ll pass on the 1992 Olympics since he failed at that. You have to learn how to lose before you can win.

    And we all know that TCWSNBN was not very good at losing. Since this is only UCI aces I wonder what the chuckle-heads in Leadville are thinking about right now: “do we really want to say that TCWSNBN ‘won’ our prestigious race or not?”

    On a similar note, I read that Honey Stinger is repackaging their waffles. I sure hope that they keep the waffles ’cause they are damn tasty but I can do without seeing ol’ what’s his name’s mug on them each time I have a stroopwaffel jones.

    • Steve O Says:

      I will say this: as much as I think LA is starting to get what he deserves, I still don’t get a company that would drop Armstrong but keep Tiger, Favre, or Steeler Ben.

      Especially Roethlisberger. Can’t believe anyone with a daughter would pay cash money for tickets to a game where he’s on the field.

  12. Larry T. Says:
    Excellent comment here.

    • Khal Spencer Says:

      “…Cycling is like professional football, hell on the human body, irredeemably reliant on the pill and the needle; take away performance-enhancing drugs, and neither sport is likely possible, let alone survivable. …”

      Well, not quite. Sure, painkillers and stuff are as old as humanity. But not the scientific show we saw more recently.

      Pro football was quite survivable in the sixties when I was glued to the radio listening to Van Miller announce Bills games. Back then, a big lineman weighed 260-270 lbs. Guys like offensive guard Billy Shaw were all-universe at 260 lbs. Ernie Ladd was a freak at 330. The human genome didn’t change so much in fifty years so that Ernie would now be a run of the mill defensive tackle due to the gene pool alone. Drugs in sports elevates the baseline, but at what a cost? Well, ask a quarterback. Its really hell to be ground into the turf by a 340 lb lineman who is as fast as a sixties halfback.

      What we would see would be everybody riding a little slower after the first week, and probably more team tactics revolving around conserving energy and racing smart rather than turbocharging the opposition into the ground.

  13. Steve O Says:

    Half of me wants this story to die.

    The other half can’t help but ask …



    All of those old fogies from USA Cycling? Thom W, etc?

    Dude didn’t learn how to dope from the internets.

    • GJ John Says:

      I just finished reading Hamilton’s book “The Secret Race” (no, I didn’t buy it, my local library did). As near as I can tell, Hamilton didn’t hold anything back or cover for anyone (not that I could really tell if he was). Carmichael’s name did come up one or twice but only in the context of TCWSNBN ‘hardly ever mentioned Carmichael’ and ‘Carmichael wasn’t Lance’s coach, Ferrari was’, that sort of thing. According to Hamilton, TCWSNBN talked about Farrari near constantly, Carmichael virtually not at all. It looks like Carmichael served as a convenient cover: if anyone asked, Carmichael was Lance’s coach, that way Ferrari’s name didn’t come up.

      I’m guessing that right about now one one is happier about this arrangement than Chris Carmichael.

      Hamilton’s book was interesting from what it had to say about Fuentes too. Seems that Ferrari was the real pro at this stuff, about how to use doping as part of an overall training package. Fuentes, though, was more one dimensional, just a guy to get dope from and who could do the transfusions, but not a coach at all. It was quite possibly Fuentes sloppy work processing stored blood as to why Hamilton got caught with someone else’s blood in his system (so the book says). In the end, Hamilton goes so far as to characterize Fuentes as a “talented con man”.

      The book is an interesting read, especially in the current context. Worth checking out from the library for free anyway.

  14. Steve O Says:

    Pelkey on NPR: well, he certainly has a face for radio!

  15. Sharon Says:

    This one is hilarious – – “UCI PRESIDENT Pat McQuaid has indicated the legal action against journalist Paul Kimmage will not be dropped, despite the recent Lance Armstong report. ”

    Cycling’s governing body is taking Kimmage to court over the writer’s claims, in an interview with French publication l’Equipe last summer, that the UCI helped cover up a positive Armstrong dope test.

    At some point, the proceedings at all of the lawsuits are going to be funnier than the Sunday comics. Hash and rehash.

    • khal spencer Says:

      I think the UCI will eventually be hoist by its own petard for incompetence if not malfeasance.

      What is even funnier is the Swiss court’s injunction against Floyd Landis enjoining him from among other things, stating that Verbruggen, McQuaid, and the UCI “are full of shit” and other qualifiers an extreme cynic might think of when one thinks of the doping mess and the actions (or lack thereof) of cycling’s governing body.

      The Swiss court “…forbids Floyd Landis to state that the Union Cycliste Internationale, Patrick (Pat) McQuaid and/or Henricus (Hein) Verbruggen have concealed cases of doping, received money for doing so, have accepted money from Lance Armstrong to conceal a doping case, have protected certain racing cyclists, concealed cases of doping, have engaged in manipulation, particularly of tests and races, have hesitated and delayed publishing the results of a positive test on Alberto Contador, have accepted bribes, are corrupt, are terrorists, have no regard for the rules, load the dice, are fools, do not have a genuine desire to restore discipline to cycling, are full of shit, are clowns, their words are worthless, are liars, are no different to Colonel Muammar Gaddafi, or to make any similar other allegations of that kind;”

      You can’t make shit like this up!

      • khal spencer Says:

        Here’s the actual document.

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