Chewing the fat

Coming clean on Soaprah? Photo © Harpo Studios Inc. | George Burns

Coming clean on Soaprah? Photo © Harpo Studios Inc. | George Burns

If you had any nagging doubts about the purpose underlying the pending mea culpa from the One Ball To Rule Them All on Soaprah, doubt no more.

Ms. Winfrey has issued a breathless bit of PR announcing that her two-and-a-half-hour chat with Ol’ Whatsisface will be aired over not one, but two evenings, this coming Thursday and Friday.

Having chatted up more than a few people over my 35 years in the news biz I can assure you that no interview is worth running in its entirety, especially when the person asking the questions has zero understanding of the matter at hand.

Were I to sit down for an interview with Paul Krugman, for example, at least 90 minutes of our chat would be devoted to me saying, “I have no idea what the fuck you’re talking about.” That sort of thing hardly makes for must-see TV. So I presume there will be more heavily perfumed fat in this chat than there is on Soaprah’s ass.

A colleague suggested via email that this “is the big moment we’ve talked about for a decade.” I replied, “No, actually, the moment I had been waiting for was seeing The One Ball To Rule Them All sitting in a courtroom, answering to another sort of inquisitor altogether. This is all Kabuki for Kash. It has less to do with justice than with illustrating the value of a white skin and a fat wallet. Had he been a brother shoplifting a 40 from 7-Eleven he’d have been doing pushups in the prison exercise yard a long time ago.”

Another colleague, the estimable Charles Pelkey, has proposed that he and I live-update the sucker as in the good old days. I had planned to take the high road and ignore the whole tawdry affair, but I’ll confess there is a certain appeal to the idea of throwing gobbets of rotten fruit, sacks of cat shit and bons mots as the tumbrel rumbles by.

Any interest out there in DogLand? Sound off in comments.

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31 Responses to “Chewing the fat”

  1. Stan Thomas Says:

    “Any interest out there in DogLand?”
    No, not really. It’s a case of ‘if I’m going down, you’re all coming with me’. This shit is simply bad for every cycling enthusiast everywhere, there’s no up side.

    Now, if you want to dig into the banks and get some of our billions back, I’m right there with you…

  2. Jeff Cozad Says:

    I’d love to “watch” the interview on LUG. That would be such a value add. That and a bottle of Templeton’s might make it tolerable.

  3. Chris Ford Says:

    I can’t stand this. Being a lawyer and somewhat interested in due process, I had a tendency to question the way the USADA was handling the case – until the report dropped, whereupon my attitude changed to utterly despising the way He Who Lies In His Texan Teeth had mangled the lives and reputations of others to protect his highly paid butt. Now he’s going to work the celebrity redemption ploy to its hilt, admit as little as possible and beg forgiveness. Just once I’d like to see that blow up in someone’s face. Please, God, let it be this time. Let the USADA tell him to stick it and keep the ban in place. Let the Feds grow a spine and prosecute this self-serving arrogant bastard to the full extent of the law, in particular for perverting justice with his lies.

    • Patrick O'Grady Says:

      I hear you, Chris. F. Scott Fitzgerald famously said “There are no second acts in American lives,” but then he never met The One Ball To Rule Them All, who is working on Act 4, if memory serves. Good thing, too, as FSF already drank plenty.

  4. Ira Says:

    OG, I think a live update is just what this whole circus needs. You and LUG can put a hint of logic (maybe even humour?) into the conversation. Help keep everything in perspective.

  5. Drew McCarthy Says:

    Did y’all see this?

  6. sharon Says:

    Only if we can play along with the drinking game – keyword CANCER or LIVESTRONG.

  7. khal spencer Says:

    This definitely needs a LUG approach with Pelkey asking the hard questions from the standpoint of the law. Go fer it.

  8. Jon Paulos Says:

    Live snark partnered with live legal commentary ? I’m in!

  9. phaty Says:

    Can we have fries with that?

  10. patrick24 Says:

    Two points –

    (1) if its 2.5 hours of craps, I;m not sure even you and Charles can make it interesting.

    (2) “Were I to sit down for an interview with Paul Krugman, for example, at least 90 minutes of our chat would be devoted to me saying, ‘I have no idea what the fuck you’re talking about.’ That sort of thing hardly makes for must-see TV.” Funniest thing I’ve read in days.

  11. Billbeau Says:

    Yes, please. And oh god! look at The Onion.

  12. Patrick O'Brien Says:

    LUG, with Patrick and Charles covering this would be the only way for me to pay attention at this stage. I was up for one night, but two is more than I can stand. And the media circus now in full bloom is the 24 hour news machine running at full throttle. Like I said before, one percenters have a different set of rules than us.

  13. Patrick O'Grady Says:

    I think the Patricks have a valid point here. You’d need George Carlin, Richard Pryor and Bill Hicks at the bare minimum to handle two nights — call it two and a half hours — of drug-soaked treacle on Soaprah. I may have to sit this one out.

  14. Steve O Says:

    I think NYVeloCity said they’d live blog it. But I’ll tune in to the Live Update Guys first any day of the week.

  15. Debby Says:

    If you guys do cover it I’ll tune in. I’ll just be at work staring at cryptic computer code anyway, so it’ll provide some live entertainment. Two days does sound a little excessive though!

  16. James Says:

    I’ll pass, but thanks for the effort. Anything that spews from those two nimble minded, narcissists is not worth the pixels to post. Unless you are looking for people to tune in…..much like Court TV did in 1995 with the OJ trial.

  17. Larry T. Says:

    Sounds like fun boyz! I’m here in Italy now, but will not likely be tuning in to the fun from here. Loading up the truck to head down to Sicily tomorrow will keep me busy enough…can’t wait to get down there where it’s WARM.

  18. Pat O'Brien Says:

    Please stop, I’m bored. Please stop, I’m bored. Please stop, I’m bored. Please stop,……………………… Thank you Ms. Sweetie Poo

    I would rather wipe a cougar’s ass that has the piles in a walk in closet with a wad of 0 steel wool than hear Oprah and that guy. I’ve had it. Probably the arctic cold we have had down here in SE Arizona. Got me all short tempered.

  19. dan Says:

    how far back does the admission go? High School? Come on, he was winning tri’s as a high school teen. Think he was on the same program as the football team?

  20. Bart Says:

    Have the two of you together sat through Pink Flamingos yet? Maybe a good prevent warm up for you two this evening before tuning in tomorrow for the big knews…

  21. Jon Paulos Says:

    As fun as this all is, I need a break. How are Turk, Mia S and Mister Boo doing?

  22. Med School Odyssey Says:

    How have I not found your blog until now. I feel compelled to live tweet my way through the interview both nights.

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