The parting glass

The parting glass

A fine wine turned to vinegar.

Longtime fans of the DogS(h)ite know that we don’t do cable TV here.

We partook, briefly, in 2006, when I reasoned that I needed TV with all the fixin’s to help me help cover the 2006 Tour de France. When Floyd tripped the Dope-O-Meter® I jerked the cable out of the wall and that was that.

Now we have rabbit ears, a Blu-Ray disc player, and a Mac Mini for streaming video over the Innertubes. And watching TV has become arduous, as it should be. We can’t just punch a button on a remote and let the high-def bullshit wash over us like the incoming tide. It takes some thought, and that thought is usually, “I think I’d rather do something else.”

Which brings me to the impending multimedia extravaganza in which The One Ball To Rule Them All will bounce into Soaprah’s expansive lap to wallow in his own stink for a couple-three hours. It will be “broadcast” on Soaprah’s TV network, such as it is, and streamed simultaneously on her website, and I have decided that rather than bring the snark, live and in poison, I will shun both of those venues as though they were infested with vermin, which, come to think of it, they will be.

Fact of the matter is, I think I’d rather do something else.

I can see why The One Ball Etc. and George W. Custer got along so famously. There is not a gram of shame in either of the sons of bitches, and when not on the clock I will be pleased to listen to whatever they have to say when they say it under oath, with the threat of hard time hanging over them like Damocles’ sword. Because in a world with its collective head screwed down tight, the only cameras these two would face would be of the closed-circuit variety, and their only audience a sleepy guard.

Here’s a thought. Instead of giving The One Ball Etc. and Soaprah what they so desperately crave — attention, which in this world translates to money — why not give some money, or some time, to a worthwhile cause? Spend a couple hours walking dogs at your local Humane Society, wash dishes at a soup kitchen, fix a creaky bike for a kid.

Let ’em do their playacting before an empty house, and drink a toast to the eventual ringing down of the curtain in this theater of the absurd.

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35 Responses to “The parting glass”

  1. Pat O'Brien Says:

    Absolutely. They are already collecting premium rates for ads. But, they ain’t getting in this house.

  2. Khal Spencer Says:

    Interesting parallel to modern attention seekers here.

    No Name, No Fame For Mass Killers
    By Vicki Leon / Los Angeles Times on Wed, Jan 16, 2013

    Today’s media might profit by studying an example from ancient Greece on how to keep evildoers from becoming instant celebrities.

    The precedent sprang from a heinous crime in 356 BC that occurred in Ephesus, a magnificent city in what is now Turkey. The city’s crowning glory was an Ionic temple to the Ephesian version of the Greek goddess Artemis. Then 200 years old, the Artemisium was an exquisite wilderness of columns, art galleries and sculptured altars, acclaimed as one of the seven wonders of the ancient world.

    Although the temple, all 45,000 square feet of it, drew many thousands of visitors, one obscure citizen felt no civic pride. After obsessing for years over what the world owed him, this disturbed young man decided to make a name for himself in the darkest way he could devise. One sultry night, he headed to the Artemisium and set it ablaze.


    The perpetrator made no attempt to escape. When arrested, he boasted about his infamous act, saying he did it to make his name live forever. Local authorities promptly sentenced the young man and executed him. To keep him from profiting by his crime in the way he most ardently desired — and to discourage imitators — the Ephesians passed a law. It imposed the death penalty on anyone who ever mentioned that criminal by name again.

    Despite the age-old tendency of humans to gossip, that long-ago name ban had remarkable staying power. With one tacky exception, historians and writers, both Greek and Roman, retold the story for centuries without naming the criminal at its heart. (And you won’t catch me mentioning his name either.) Furthermore, the Ephesians rebuilt their glorious temple, which remained a world wonder for an additional 600 years.

  3. C.L.H. Says:

    Agreed. I’m pretty picky about how I spend my time. The Armstrong/Oprah interview would be a really big waste of it.

  4. gbtco Says:

    …You put in some wine…a little sugar…put in your suuaawsage- you might hafta cook for a bunch-a-guys one of deese days…

    OK, Clemensa…

  5. Larry T. Says:

    I’ll be asleep (I hope) on the ferry to Sicilia (speaking of organized crime references) when BigTex is spewing his BS on TV so I’ll read about it on the ‘net or see what Italian TV bothers to show in the coming days. Sounds like just the usual self-serving crap from this sociopath anyway. Folks say he’s intelligent – I say CUNNING is the word, just like most crooks. Even if he manages to BS every Okrah fan with his line of crap, I doubt the rest of the world will be fooled based on what’s been said so far. I hope the guy’s destiny is to fade away into obscurity – by choice after he gets tired of hearing, “oh, you’re Armstrong, the infamous dope cheat” a few too many times. The punk would have been pretty much nothing without the dope (no cancer, no bike race wins, no foundation, no “good deeds”, no fame, no fortune, etc.) so without it he can go back to being just that– NOTHING

  6. Jeff Cozad Says:

    I’m planning on attending the forum that the League of Illinios Bicyclist & the Iowa Cycling Coalition are hosting with the local cities. I hope to get a couple of the local officials to wake up a bit. I’m not hopeful.

    I’m sure that I’ll see ample coverage of the OBTRTA/Dope-Rah “event” on the InnerTubes. I plan on stopping by The Onion to get all the news I really need when I get home. I just can’t see wasting all of thoses ones and zeros on the DVR for this.

    • Steve O Says:

      If you can’t understand world events with just the Onion and the Daily Show, then you’re in trouble!!

    • Patrick O'Grady Says:

      Good man y’self, Jeff. The idea of doing something positive — participating rather than observing — strikes me as the proper response to this endless leakage, which reminds me of a fat bastard with a bum prostate. A dribble here, a dribble there. …

  7. Steve O Says:

    Besides .., if you really gotta know the skinny (oops! Sorry, Oprah!) it’s not like there won’t be a zillion places to read about it after the fact.

    Not going to bring about world peace or anything, but it wouldn’t suck if ratings were in the single digits.

  8. Pat O'Brien Says:

    For Lance…………..

  9. Debby Says:

    Agreed, and well put. I don’t have full cable service anyway, so I couldn’t watch the show even if I wanted to. The Clif Notes summary after it’s all over will be more than enough info for me.

    • Patrick O'Grady Says:

      TV is not our friend. I relearn this lesson every time I spend a night in a hotel and do a little channel-surfing. Last time I looked it was mostly old white people hollering at each other. This I can get for free at the city council meetings.

  10. Tim Joe Comstock Says:

    Effin’ Oprah, for chrissake. Why not Sharon Osbourne, or Howard Stern? Or that Monday Night Football guy with the jokes…I forget…Dennis somebody.

    Whatever. I don’t even own a TV and my internet service is about to be cut off because I didn’t pay and yet I am certain that I will not be able to escape this silly staged moment of pop culture.

    Coming up next: Live, on Jerry Springer! Lance and Betsy, together again!


    • Patrick O'Grady Says:

      TJ, that may be the part that offends me most. Getting all weepy on Oprah? Jeez, how completely predictable — like most of his racing, when you think about it. Juice everyone to the tits, light up the Big Blue Choo-Choo at the bottom of the hill and off we go. Somewhere Filippo Simeoni is either laughing or crying.

  11. patrick24 Says:

    I really enjoy your columns and am ok with referring to Lance as the Cyclist That Should Not Be Named, but the use of the “One Ball” reference is a cheap shot -plus you are usually much funnier and of high quality snark. Just my personal opinion.

  12. Steve O Says:

    Since the photo here is a glass of some sort of beverage, going to make a quick toast to Greg LeMond tonight. Dude didn’t deserve to get dumped on like he has. Among many others.

  13. Libby Says:

    I’m watching it now. O started him off with yes/no questions. That’s over. Now he is taking issue with Tygert/the Report’s claim that he and his team had the most sophisticated doping scheme.
    Now she is bringing up Hamilton’s stories about doping and asking about it. L doesn’t want to get into the details…..clearly doesn’t want to corroborate sordid details.
    Claims he didn’t do any doping in 2009 and 2010 last doped in 2005

  14. Khal Spencer Says:

    Just got back from friends home. This on NPR…pant….pant

  15. Steve O Says:

    Since I didn’t watch it, I’ll just make up something.

    Bombshell of the Night: that armstrong and verbruggen were inspiration for Maynard and Zed in Pulp Fiction.

  16. Steve O Says:

    @SC_Cycling: Has Tim Herman reflexively denied that the Oprah interview took place yet?

  17. Patrick O'Brien Says:

    I didn’t watch it. I watched the Bob Costa segment on the NBC website this morning, and I read the NPR piece on it. All I need to know was in them. The bad thing is I am not riding today because I don’t want to answer any stupid questions about this shit. One thing is for sure, this isn’t a cycling story, this is a Lance story.

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    The parting glass | Mad Blog Media

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