Free tea! (Bring your own bag, cup and water)

Tea Party

`I didn’t know it was YOUR table,’ said Alice; `it’s laid for a great many more than three.’

The smart money says that the GOTea is poised to make big gains in the midterm elections, extending its pallid, liver-spotted grip on the U.S. House and perhaps retaking control of the Senate.

“What the hell?” you may think. “They’re all the same anyway, Donks and Pachyderms. Opposite sides of the same wooden nickel. How bad could it be?”

Well, we here in Bibleburg have been test-driving this brand of Gadsden-flag, live-free-or-die governance for you for as long as I can remember (my family moved here in 1967). And here’s what you get for your low-taxation, no-representation dollar:

• An unaddressed backlog of $1.3 billion in capital needs. Whether this figure includes repairing or replacing the burnt-up, 80-year-old Martin Drake Power Plant, which provides a third of Bibleburg’s power, is not clear.

A “jobs-creation program” centered on tourist attraction that boils down to “there’ll be pie in the sky.” Not one of the visitors we’ve had at The House Back East® has expressed a desire to visit a downtown stadium, a sports medicine center, an Olympic museum, or an Air Force Academy visitors center (other than the one that already exists, on the base). They want to see the Garden of the Gods, Pikes Peak, Manitou Springs — in other words, the things that are already here which we have yet to fuck up. And be certain to check the numbers for jobs, salaries and operating deficits from our other stadium/entertainment venues, the World Arena and the Pikes Peak Center.

Plummeting home sales, and home-sale prices. For some reason, people seem uninterested in moving to communities that lack jobs, electricity and other must-have items.

We hate that out-of-control federal government’s spending, but gyrate like a speed-freak pole dancer for every freedom-killing dollar it stuffs in our threadbare G-string. We despise taxes, but demand services. We insist on Christmas 24/7, free of charge and taxation, but if anybody wearing a red suit climbs down our chimney we’ll blow him right back up it with our AR-15.

Take a good, long look, folks. America’s future is Bibleburg’s present.


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24 Responses to “Free tea! (Bring your own bag, cup and water)”

  1. khal spencer Says:

    Gee, thanks. I was in a bad mood anyway. Maybe I’ll take a stroll into some lunatic’s garage up in Missoula and end it all.

    • Steve O Says:

      I’ll never understand American politics.

      For one, there ought to be a whole lot more pro-life democrats and more pro-choice republicans than there actually are.

      Then there’s the obvious paper trail where folks, on the record, oppose policies under the opposition’s governance which they fully supported when their guy was in charge.

      But more pertinent to your post, there is an obvious disconnect between Christianity and the Second Amendment. (As well as a general disconnect between Christianity and GOP-style conservatism, across the board.)

      And yet, the Christian/pro-gun correlation is one of the strongest.

      I blame the two party system. It’s made most folks think that the whole country is Us vs Them, and if you want to stay one of Us, you have to tow the party line across the board

    • Patrick O'Grady Says:

      That’s a happy story, eh? When I think of all the stupid shit I pulled as a kid, I thank my lucky stars that I am (a) not in prison and (2) unperforated by vengeful property owners.

  2. Brian Smith Says:

    Unfortunately, my career keeps me living in very red states. The hypocracy I have witnessed it truly mind boggling. I am not sure how these people hold such contradictory thoughts in there heads without them exploding

    • Steve O Says:

      I could list 100 examples in my home state, which thankfully is about as purple as they come. But the latest is a GOP-lead movement to make a state constitutional amendment to ban traffic light cameras.

      I’m not going to argue whether traffic light cameras are a good or bad idea. Other than to say that they save lives and theyre 1000 times cheaper than using law enforcement personnel to write speeding tickets.

      The real point is that local municipalities collect their own officials, decide how to enforce local safety laws, and don’t really need big government telling them exactly how to do every little detail. Conservatives are supposed to be against micromanagement from the top down. But once again, the big stumbling block between saying one is a conservative and actually acting like a conservative is the realization that your personal interests are in fact special interests to everyone else

  3. fripphead Says:

    They call it “doublethink”….

  4. bromasi Says:

    Well there goes my day,week,month and year.

  5. Steve O Says:

    // ). They want to see the Garden of the Gods, Pikes Peak, Manitou Springs — in other words, the things that are already here which we have yet to fuck up. //

    God bless America. Let’s save some of it.
    ~ Ed Abbey

    • Patrick O'Grady Says:

      Haw. I was gonna go with a riff on that line: “God bless America. Or is it too late?”

      Another fave from Cactus Ed: “Growth for the sake of growth is the ideology of the cancer cell.”

  6. Steve O Says:

    If you have contact with voting-type folks under the age of 30, please share this with them:

    But had Democrats won the same levels of support among each age group in 2010, Republicans would still have won a clear plurality of all votes cast that year. How? Voters under the age of 30 were 19 percent of all voters in 2012, but just 12 percent of all voters in 2010. Likewise, voters 65 and up were 17 percent of all voters in 2012, but 21 percent of all voters in 2010. Herein lies the biggest danger for Democratic candidates in 2014.

  7. Hurben Says:

    Hid this, if they see it it will become mandatory…

  8. Pat O'Brien Says:

    Shit, just when I thought it was safe to throw votes to a third party.

  9. Pat O'Brien Says:

    Cheer up folks, Duffy just came out of anesthesia, his teeth are clean as a whistle, no other dental disease or condition above or below the gums, and will be ready for a ride home at 1430! Plus it only cost me twice as much as getting my teeth cleaned.

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