A nose for news

Paper! Get your paper here!

Paper! Get your paper here!

Woke up around 3 a.m. feeling as though I had spent the night snorting chain degreaser, convinced my brain had liquified and was seeping out of my snout onto the pillow.

Further sleep proved elusive as Herself arose to shower and the bathroom iPad commenced making news noises. It seemed King Donald the Short-fingered had not actually ordered anyone executed during his performance before the Congress, and the media were as usual focused on packaging rather than content. A golden chest overflowing with excrement is still a box of shit, no matter how many air fresheners are working overtime in Pundit Glade.

Jesus. These people. They install a low bar in the Dark Alley of Presidential Address Expectations, and when Beelzebozo manages to clear it without twisting a cankle they all go rushing after him to see where such Statesmanlike Leadership and Gravitas will take us next and boom! Down they go in a heap, and what oozes out of their bandaged skulls and onto the Innertubes afterward looks worse than what was coming out of mine until I swallowed a Claritin-D 12 Hour and a couple-three-four mugs of hot caffeine in various flavors.

Wipe your noses, shitheads. Try not to use your sleeves.

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17 Responses to “A nose for news”

  1. khal spencer Says:

    Allergies or cold/flu? I managed to have both this year. Along with an acute case of Trump-aversion disease.

    • Patrick O'Grady Says:

      Feels like allergies to me. Stuff is budding out down here with a vengeance, and the wind is not helping. I wonder, too, whether my ancient cat allergies might resurrect themselves from time to time. Both Mia and the Turk have been camping out in the sunny master bedroom during the daylight hours.

      • Pat O'Brien Says:

        Ash and juniper down. Mulberry coming soon. Sniff.
        Cat allergies? Where is the litter box? Cat urine, saliva, and sebum on their fur can all get you. I imagine I am preaching to the choir here.
        Trump blows some serious rhetoric last night and all of a sudden he has gravitas and is presidential? Last time I heard that much bullshit was shopping for a used car. I wish I could control the seating arrangements for joint congressional sessions. I would start with free joints in the cloak room.

      • Patrick O'Grady Says:

        The litter box is in Herself’s office, a couple doors down from the boudoir. I think I need to launder the bedspread, as that’s where the field marshal likes to grab his daytime kip (he is a furry bastard). He also likes to give me a thorough inspection at reveille and lights-out, so I have that going for me, which is nice.

        Every time I think the press has wised up, I find myself needing to think again. A guy could break his mitt passing out all the dope-slaps this lot has coming.

        This ain’t rhythmic gymnastics here. Points will be awarded for specific actions only, not upon the whims of judges.

  2. Libby Says:

    I have been sick for a week! Despite the flu shot I think I have it. Saw some wonderful cartoons but can’t figure out how to link or find it elsewhere. A Tim O’Brien cartoon of Kellyanne a là “Christina’s World”.
    https://m.facebook.com/story.php?story_fbid=1276725555740986&substory_index=0&id=422169184529965

    • Patrick O'Grady Says:

      A week? Yow. I hope you’re on the mend. I’ve heard tales of an upper-respiratory thing that has been known to linger for a month, sometimes appearing to go away and then shouting, “Ah-HA! PSYCH! And ringing the bell for round two.

      • Libby Says:

        The fever is gone at last! The dry cough, wheezing and sinus and throat stuff remains. It hit so hard I couldn’t get to a dr. Did you like O’Brien’s cartoon?

      • Carl Duellman Says:

        that’s what i think i have. i’ve had a cold off and on since before xmas. it started again yesterday evening with a scratchy throat. i think this is the 6th or 7th flare up since the new year. i was thinking allergies but i don’t know.

        i’ve been avoiding the media except for the new york times. we’ve been picking up the sunday edition the last couple of weekends. how does anyone have time to read all that and do the crossword puzzle?

      • Patrick O'Grady Says:

        Libby, I couldn’t read the ‘toon. I croaked my Facebook account a while back. I’ll get Darth Herself to show it to me when she comes home from the Death Star Library.

        Carl, my buddy Hal has been enduring some class of bug like yours. God only knows what kind of malevolent cooties his kid brings home from the Crusty County Middle School. Them high-altitude bugs is ferocious.

        Update: Ho, ho. Saw the O’Brien bit. Now that there is funny, I don’t care who y’are.

      • Pat O'Brien Says:

        Darth Herself? Is that ice you’re skating on starting to make cracking and popping noise? Better get your bad self in the kitchen and get dinner started and meet her with a glass of wine in your hand when she comes home from work.

      • Patrick O'Grady Says:

        Word. Otherwise. …

  3. larryatcycleitalia Says:

    For some insane reason I watched Orange Julius Caesar’s entire bit. Same s–t, but a bit more “presidential” except for the lies and the scary bit about the special program for the victims of illegal immigrant crimes. Oh, and the disgusting use of the soldier’s widow – that made me sick but it was oh so like Caesar that it was clear nothing’s changed. Make America Hate Again.

    • Patrick O'Grady Says:

      I couldn’t bear it. Once upon a time, when I still was a real journo instead of a pretend one, I would have felt obligated. Now I merely feel nauseated. I will watch when he gets run out of there, but not before. I’ll watch his funeral, too, if only to learn where to pee.

    • David Rees Says:

      More telling was the soldier’s father who refused to shake The Dumpster Fire’s hand when the boy’s body was flown home. And this coming after The Dumpster, for two days, placed the blame for the mission on Obama. What a fucking douche bag.

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