Project Jagoff

And now, from our Just Fucking Shoot Me Department, comes the news that Levi’s and Google’s ATAP division have teamed up for a “smart” denim jacket, slated to be released this fall for $350.

“Project Jacquard,” they call the technology. For those of you who don’t parlez the français, that’s pronounced “jag-off.”

I’m thinking this garment will be smarter than many of the people who buy it. My best guess is that the Levi’s Commuter Trucker Jag-et is an ruse to soften us up for the jeans (call ’em Levi’s 666). Look for Guccifer 3.0 to hack ’em and pants every hipster in America at once as they bend over to lock their bespoke fixies to the railings at java joint/artisanal alehouse/toast café patios nationwide.

That oughta uncurl their moustaches.

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19 Responses to “Project Jagoff”

  1. Carl Duellman Says:

    are you becoming the west coast version of bikesnobnyc?

  2. Pat O'Brien Says:

    Oh yea, having this distraction while riding is certainly being “in the moment.” The moment when the Yellow Cab you didn’t see whilst fucking around with your “smart jacket” runs your ass over.

    Guess I need to trade my Incredibell for a air horn. You’re right. Just shoot me.

  3. Herb Clevenger Says:

    So many questions! What if it’s too hot to wear your $350 jacket? Do you suck it up and sweat your nuts off just to look cool? What if you tap your sleeve at the wrong time and end up calling your boss unknowingly while cursing a blue streak? What if the denim jacket color doesn’t complement your choice of shoes-do you have to remain inside that day?

    • Patrick O'Grady Says:

      You wear that electronicalistical comosellama on a summer day in Duke City you’re liable to sweat yourself into an electrocution and save society the trouble.

      What happens when you lay it down wearing one of those denim tuxedos? Do you light up the road like a low rider’s scrape plates?

  4. Dale Says:

    Oh Christ, what have we become. I really hope we’re not just a bunch of Nazis and clueless consumers, but then I could be wrong again.

    • Patrick O'Grady Says:

      What we need is some bright person to invent the SmartHood®. Pop it on your neighborhood Klansman and when SmartHood® meets dumb head the whole shebang explodes. Sure would free up a lot of parking spots.

  5. ryansubike Says:

    We have a strict no Hipsters allowed at my local Java shack and artisanal ale house -Seattle’s too wet and hilly for fixie nonsense anyway.

  6. Mike Frye Says:

    Were is his XXXing hemet? First you distract him with electronic B.S. then he’s got no brain bucket. It would be easier just to market the new Levi’s 45, with just one shot. Simply take the gun put it to your temple and then pull the trigger.

    B.T.W. last time I checked Levi’s wasn’t exactly the most comfortable set of pants you can wear riding a bicycle.

    • Patrick O'Grady Says:

      I think Levi’s goes with three digits for its items (501, 505, etc), so we might have to call ’em Levi’s 357. Or maybe 380, since Magnum boom might startle the average hipster, even with the earbuds in.

      And yeah, comfy for cycling they are not. I have an old Vetta saddle on my townie, and that’s the only one I can bear in jeans. I keep those rides short, just a few minutes to the neighborhood grocery and back.

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