His Lardship speaks

The Lord High Mayor spoke from the Orchid Office atop Slob’s Knob.

The Lord High Mayor of Slobbiton, Douche Baggins, addressed the people this fair morn.

He announced that Iran “appears to be standing down,” and declared that Slobbiton stood ready “to embrace peace with all who seek it,” especially if they happen to be porn stars (there’s nothing like embracing a piece of a porn star).

He also denied rumors that Slobbiton would resume conscripting young Slobbitonians for its various misadventures abroad, adding that even if such an order were to be issued, it would be easily dodged.

“Trust me,” he said with a knowing wink. “I ran, and you can too.”

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19 Responses to “His Lardship speaks”

  1. Ira Says:

    This isn’t over by a long shot. There’s a lot of pissed off Arabs, and if history has taught us anything, they have long memories.

    • Patrick O'Grady Says:

      Claro que si, hombre. This is merely presentation by both sides. The actual fencing has yet to begin.

      I’m thinking the podium for long memories is Irish, Jews, Arabs. Sicilians may be in the hunt, too. But an Irishman nurses a grudge like it’s a beer he had to pay for.

    • Dale Says:

      Hit once; get punched back; say he’s had enough; and try to pretend it never happened. So much winning.

    • SAO' Says:

      The part that sucks is that Iran has had a pro-western streak for 50 years or so that we haven’t been able to leverage. I went to high school with nephews of one of the old Shah’s deputies, and those kids were more pro-USA than all of the haole kids I knew. Want to hear a lecture about great the USA is? Go to Harrison Ford’s favorite Persian restaurant in Omaha, NE and ask to see the owner. The dude won’t shut up about how cool we are. And instead of embracing that, we just bomb it.

      We’ve pushed our special forces dudes way in the direction of being the ultimate killers and forgot that half of their mission used to be soft power, hearts and minds.

      • SAO' Says:

        Ahmad’s Persian Cuisine, by the way. Highly recommend.

      • Larry T. atCycleItalia Says:

        Of course they had a pro-Western streak! If you were a crony of the shah you had it pretty well I’d guess. Same with Batista in Cuba, Pinochet in Chile, etc, etc. Are corrupt dictatorships somehow good when they’re friendly to the USA? They certainly seem to be for Don the Con these days.

      • Patrick O'Grady Says:

        Didn’t the Green Beanies start out primarily as advisers? Trainers? Somewhere along the way we’ve shifted from winning hearts and minds to shooting people in them. This is probably a good deal easier but less effective in the long run.

  2. Dale Says:

    Hit once; get punched back; say he’s had enough; and try to pretend it never happened. So much winning.

  3. Pat O'Brien Says:

    Douche Baggins? That’s a good one!

    He and his counterparts in Iraq and Iran haven’t made their populations happy enough to get re-elected, or stay in power in the case of Iran’s grand poompah. So they tried a little sumptin to stir up their bases. When the effect of that wears off, they will pull some other stunt. Meanwhile, somebody missed their shot to get Zelensky. Boy, he has some secrets to tell. You know, about impeachment. The stuff dumpster’s base forgot about while he was waving that shiny war shit in front of them. The same stuff the hair apparent said Obama was going to do back in 2011.


    • Patrick O'Grady Says:

      “Hair apparent” is good too. Hee, and also haw.

      Boy, the jarhead standing behind the Poge-in-Chief had a nervous look about him, like he was the one with the duty in case His Lardship strayed off script and started shrieking about nukes and how Hillary was a gender-bending mullah in a pantsuit who keeps all her emails on a bloodstained Illuminati server hidden deep in the Bohemian Grove.

  4. khal spencer Says:

    My guess is that the Iranians are much better at this game of chess than Il Douche. Let’s see who makes the next move. I wonder if Iran goes back to subterfuge rather than blatant attacks. Or, goes just so far so that Il Douche makes an ass of himself over and over.

  5. Libby Says:

    So “Dildo” Baggins was a bridge too far?

    • Patrick O'Grady Says:

      Alas, that would’ve been an intrusion upon “Bored of the Rings,” by the Harvard Lampoon. Those wiseguys gave us Dildo Bugger and the Boggies.

      If you’ve never read it, you should. It’s a must for Tolkien fans.

    • Pat O'Brien Says:

      Dildo Baggins is good! I think POSPOTUS has over 500 nicknames now, none of them flattering. FLOTUS had a new year’s resolution for world peace. So, that hypocrisy deserves some nicknames too. How about bride of trumpenstein?

      • SAO' Says:

        Malaria Trump is a double-reverse hybrid of Orwellian double-speak and Pravda misinformation, filtered through a brain that is only capable of repeating things others said first.

        Listening to the two of them at the breakfast table must sound like my dad’s ward in the Alzheimer’s wing of the VA nursing home. She reads something verbatim from the NYT, passing it off as her own idea, and he thinks he’s the first to ever hear it, repeats it with a “Most people don’t realize …” preamble.

        Sure is windy today.

        No, it’s Thursday.

        Me, too, let’s get a drink.

  6. Larry T. atCycleItalia Says:

    World peace? C’mon Malaria, er..Melania, just promise Orange Nixon a bit of fun in the bedroom if he’ll keep it in his pants the rest of his term, at least when it comes to weapons of mass destruction….not that little mushroom thing.

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