Friday Funnies (preview edition)


Think Big Tex will suit up on Friday?

Some folks are expecting The Cyclist Who Shall Not Be Named (TCWSNBN) to ‘fess up on Friday in Austin, during a fund-raising hoo-hah marking the 15th anniversary of Livestrong.

Alas, while Bob Dylan famously noted that “even the president of the United States/Sometimes has to stand naked,” I don’t see The Boss pantsing himself in front of all those yellow rubber bracelets. Anyone who wants to see that hard ass in the cool breeze is gonna have to take an active role, and they’d best pack a lunch, ’cause Big Tex plays for keepsies.

My fabulously uninformed opinion is that he’ll use the occasion for yet another spirited defense of the indefensible, maybe launch a line of yellow rubber crucifixes, and fight a bloody, noisy delaying action until the last lawyer sprawls dead at his feet. I don’t see surrender. I see the Alamo.

Let’s assume for argument’s sake that he’s as guity as a yellow dog caught collar-deep in a trash can full of chicken bones, bacon grease and Benjamin Franklins. Where’s the percentage in coming clean now? The UCI has yet to weigh in — Fat Paddy and Lyin’ Hein are still trying to get their big-boy pants screwed on, I expect — and then there’s always the Court of Arbitration for Sport.

And besides, the only people who would buy a weepy mea culpa at this point are the Walking Deadstrong, that hard core of soft brains who, if they saw him mainlining EPO in a porta-potty at a sprint tri’, would blame Greg, Betsy, Tyler, Floyd and Obama, in that order.

I’ve been wrong before, and often in spectacular fashion. But I don’t see Big Tex coming clean until the End Times are truly upon him, which will be when the money runs out. Then he’ll “write” a tell-all book, hit the rubber chicken/morning talk show circuit and get back on that gravy train.

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26 Responses to “Friday Funnies (preview edition)”

  1. Charles Pelkey Says:

    It should be entertaining, no matter what he does.

  2. Larry T. Says:

    I see the guy becoming a kind of “Cancer Oprah” that the cycling world cares nothing about. He doesn’t need the world of cycling anymore, he’s milked that cow dry. He can deny the cheating forever because the faithful believe a) everyone else did it too. b) since they or their loved ones will/would take pretty much any kind of dope to fight cancer, what’s the big deal?
    I think Tex could milk this scheme pretty much forever if he’s clever about it. Note that NONE of the sponsors who dumped him said they were dumping the cancer foundation.

  3. GJ John Says:

    “Then he’ll “write” a tell-all book, hit the rubber chicken/morning talk show circuit and get back on that gravy train.”

    Great advice! Better than any plan I ever had. Ever thought of working at your local high school/prison as a career guidance counselor?

  4. Ira Says:

    My guess is he ‘fesses up in a tell-all book, although I don’t think there’s much left to tell. Guilty parties seem to be developing verbal diarrhea. But Tex doesn’t do anything unless there’s some profit in it.

    • GJ John Says:

      He could confess without confessing in a book named “If I Did It”, just like another well known former athlete.

      Then he could make the rounds on FOX, run for governor of Texas (as a Republican, of course)…and win . Lot of profit potential there.

      • Libby Says:

        GJ John – scary prediction. Sounds very plausible. Plotting his victimhood and resurrection.

      • john Says:

        Good point, but, I gotta say, Texius Maximus’ transgressions are not in the same league as those allegedly perpetrated by Mr. Simpson.

    • Steve O Says:

      They’ve been talking about a movie forever. The events of the last month make for much better script. No car chases, but there’s the moto with fridge compartments flying down the alps.

  5. Neal Says:

    A friend of mine yesterday told me that Lance is the classic “flawed hero”; another one bites the dust.

    I thought Levi’s comments were reasonable. There was one telling point where he was asked if he feared Lance. “Yes”.

    • Patrick O'Grady Says:

      Neal, I always hate to see the word “hero” passed out like Halloween candy. A guy who pulls a baby from a burning building is a hero. Big Tex rode a bike really fast for three weeks every year for seven consecutive years. And he had quite a bit of help, both legitimate and otherwise, it would seem.

      That Levi feared him is completely understandable. Reading through the USADA documents words like “vindictive” and “ruthless” keep coming to mind. He would be a formidable enemy indeed.

      I’ve pissed off a lot of employers and colleagues over the years, but none of them ever accosted me in an bar (easily done), or sent texts with subtexts to Herself. I’d find that disconcerting, too.

  6. bromasi Says:

    If he does write a tell all book you should do the art work.

  7. Khal Spencer Says:

    What are the chances of the UCI or Court of Arbitration turning this around? Seems right now Lance is as popular as a poison ivy bush in a nudist colony. Maybe the magic has worn thin.

    • Patrick O'Grady Says:

      K, I have no idea. One colleague said earlier today that nobody appears to be in charge of the sport at the moment, which is obviously a bad thing. Another expects that UCI will eventually sack up and decline to challenge USADA before CAS. WADA has already said it has USADA’s back, so I don’t expect an appeal from them unless UCI acts the fool.

      As Larry notes, every sponsor who’s dropped him like an empty bidon has added, “But we continue to support Livestrong.” I don’t expect that Big Tex will be having to discount any vintage blood products at the plasma center anytime soon.

      • GJ John Says:

        ” WADA has already said it has USADA’s back, so I don’t expect an appeal from them unless UCI acts the fool.”

        I dunno, PO’G. Everything else the UCI has done has been foolish, if not stupid, I’m not so sure Patty and Heiny are going to suddenly see the light. They’ve both been focused on “damage control”, preserving what is left of their reputation, and short term profits rather than doing what’s right for the long term health of the sport.

        Exhibit 1: going after Kimmage. Geez, that’s gotta be about the stupidest PR move imaginable.Yes, shooting the messenger is always a good PR move.

    • Steve O Says:

      If this story has any legs, a UCI veto is quite possible.

  8. chris Says:

    Here in Oz, the nasty business of removing the Pharaoh’s image from the walls has begun (apologies for ugly url):

  9. Steve O Says:

    More ripples:

    • john Says:

      Too bad — we won’t get to hear Phil and Paul prattling on about “Rob-o-Bank”.

      Sounds like Willie Sutton’s team.

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