Be careful what you ask for, they say.
I asked for impeachment. And now that I’ve gotten it. …
Well, for one, it looked a lot better online.
Two, it seems several sizes too small.
And three, it smells funny, like maybe a turtle dragged it down a toilet.
Nevertheless, here it is. And here we are, striding boldly down the runway wearing yet another fashionable edition of Radio Free Dogpatch.
P L A Y R A D I O F R E E D O G P A T C H
• Technical notes: This episode was recorded with a Shure SM58 microphone and a Zoom H5 Handy Recorder, then edited in Apple’s GarageBand on the 13-inch 2014 MacBook Pro. The background music is “Dramatic Climax” from Zapsplat.com. The party chatter comes from dbspin at Freesound.org with an underlay of “Buddy,” an iMovie jingle. And Nick Danger (“All Things Firesign”), Mark Time (“Dear Friends”), and Principal Poop (“Don’t Crush That Dwarf, Hand Me the Pliers”) appear courtesy of The Firesign Theatre, without whom none of this would have been necessary.
Mad Blog Media 
My grandpappy always told me, never trust a guy with a comb-over.* And effing Roberts’ hairpiece looks like they forgot to pluck the eyeballs off the critter before selling it to him. The only cheaper one on the shelf came with a chin-strap.
*Grandpappy also said, you only got so many male hormones, and if y’all want to waste yours growing hair on the top of your head, go for it.
I always liked this one for the sparsely bearded set:
“If you can’t grow any more hair on your face than you have on your ass, you oughta shave.”
Beauty, heh!
Outstanding Patrick…
Thank you, sir. It ain’t easy mining giggles out of this garbage. Like digging for diamonds in dung.
“Diggin For Diamonds In Dung” is a great song title. How much of the royalties do you want? Alan will write the music, so how about a third of the proceeds?
We gotta strike while the iron is hot: I’m thinking 3/4 time. Let’s spitball a few lyrics. …
I’m digging for diamonds in dung,
When I signed up for this I believe I got stung.
This ain’t what I saw for me, when I was young,
Here’s your shovel, there’s the diamonds, but it’s nothin’ but dung.
I’m digging for diamonds in dung,
And I’d love to climb out of this pile that they’ve flung,
But they gave me a ladder with only one rung,
And I’m at the bottom, hunting diamonds in dung.
(Take it to the bridge!)
I wish I could just up and quit
’Cause I ain’t pulled no carats from this garden of shit
But I’m holding this shovel, my nose, and my tongue
And I keep on a-diggin’ for diamonds in dung.
Oh, I’m digging for diamonds in dung
This spade ain’t no chopstick, and that ain’t egg foo yung
The turd miner’s curse is a case of brown lung
From a lifetime of digging for diamonds in dung.
How about 4/4 twelve bar blues? Man, you are cooking!
I’ve been diggin’ for diamonds in dung
That’s where we all seem to be
What I found is amazing
Wisdom is there and for free
Just sent you a rough draft. I ain’t spending that royalty check yet.
I am glad that Schiff is not prosecuting my ass. So, I am still slightly optimistic. So, when dumpster starts tweeting exonerated and proclaiming his innocence for his perfect call, I will sing the “Bad Day Blues.” Might as well listen to it now folks.
My fave so far is the two-faces of Alan Dershowitz video clips.
The CNN guys cracked up when he exclaimed he was NOT wrong before but he’s MORE CORRECT now. The bottom line for this shyster is “Who signed this check? He’s innocent and I’ll prove it!” The only guy more full-of-it than Dershowitz is…his client.
The defense is basically an expansion on the Nixon Theory: “Well, when the president does it, that means that it is not illegal.”
Il Douche’s people build upon that to add: “Fuck you.”
Asshole denies he is working for the dumpster. Says he is working for the “constitution.” Larry got it; constitution didn’t sign the check. Now I wonder who is paying for the lame defense? Addelson?
Maybe he’s working pro bonehead. (H/t Richard Russo, “Nobody’s Fool.”)
Enjoyed the podcast and like those lyrics you and POB have penned.