After Oprah, what?

From the creators of “Jersey Shore” comes “Redneck Riviera.” Conceived by Ron White (“They Call Me Tater Salad”), it stars Lone Star Staters Lance Armstrong, former President George W. Bush, Gov. Rick “Goodhair” Perry, Jessica Simpson, Randy Quaid, Meat Loaf, Vanilla Ice and Gary Busey as a potted palm.

In the first episode, Randy Quaid Skypes from Canada to bet Meat Loaf that Jessica Simpson can’t suck a golf ball through a garden hose from Mustang Island to Port Aransas. Meanwhile, Gov. Perry challenges President Bush to a tongue-wrestling contest, and Lance Armstrong wonders over a succession of Shiner Bocks how Oprah would look in a blonde wig and whether Club Fed-Three Rivers has a runway long enough to accommodate his private jet.

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18 Responses to “After Oprah, what?”

  1. Stan Thomas Says:

    Next, the Jerry Springer Show with Floyd & Tyler in the chairs on the other side.

    Personally, I won’t be watching. I prefer to remember 8 guys in blue followed by one in yellow. No, I don’t have my head in the sand but I don’t revel in muck raking. I know how that steak ended up on my plate, I just prefer not to dwell on it.

  2. GJ John Says:

    Hmm. Now they’re saying that TCWSNBN going to offer up a “limited confession” on the Goddess of Magazine Covers’ show. So basically, he’s getting his name in the news, getting paid who-knows-how-much to be on what’s-her-name’s show, and will probably be able to dodge being busted for perjury (if it were you or me we’d be up shit creek and the river). So even confessing he’s still gonna be full of shit.

    Well, it’s not like he’s going to be the first one to bullshit Oprah. “Three Cups of Tea” anyone?

    I’m with the majority here: he needs to just go the fuck away already.

    • Patrick O'Grady Says:

      Yup, I’m pretty much over it too. Didn’t watch Travis on CBS the other day, don’t plan to watch Ol’ Whatsisface on Oprah. It’s just a series of P.T. Barnumesque barkers herding us through one curtain after another (“This Way to the Egress”).

      At some point, if you keep watching, you have no one to blame for your discomfiture save yourself.

      • Steve O Says:

        Brings to mind one of my favorite Steve Jobs quotes:

        “When you’re young, you look at television and think, There’s a
        conspiracy. The networks have conspired to dumb us down. But
        when you get a little older, you realize that’s not true. The networks
        are in business to give people exactly what they want. That’s a far
        more depressing thought. Conspiracy is optimistic! You can shoot
        the bastards! We can have a revolution! But the networks are really
        in business to give people what they want. It’s the truth.”

  3. James Says:

    Who? What? Harpo and CJ making kissy poo faces at each other on the boob tube sounds about as exciting as watching a snooki (whatever in the name of g-o-d that is!) wax poetic about a guido. Or some such other ‘reality’ on TV.

  4. khal spencer Says:

    Huh?

    • Patrick O'Grady Says:

      Just counting down the days until TCWSNBN makes his pilgrimage to the Windy City Fount of Redemption, K.

      I’m thinking that Ol’ Whatsisface’s prostration before the Big O should coincide with his final appearance on the blog. Chisel his likeness from the coinage, smash all the statues, blot out the graffiti adorning the temple walls.

      In short, don’t let the door hit ya, etc., et al., and so on and so forth. Whaddaya think?

      • GJ John Says:

        To me, that depends on what the asshole has to say. If he’s half as full of shit as I expect him to be, I may have a difficult time just letting it go. It’d be like refusing to acknowledge that there once was a George the Lesser or Dick “Darth Vader Was A Pussy” Chaney and that the current slop we’re in is their fault.

        I for one like the sport of cycling (I used to LOVE the sport, but that was before), and this assclown dropped his bibs and took a big shit on it. Like Big Dick and Little george, he had help, but we still need to be able to say who made a mess of things (especially if that someone is still trying to bullshit us).

        It’s enough that he remain nameless. After what he’s done, he doesn’t deserve a name. But I don’t want to let this asshole cook up a whole new pot of b.s. and not say anything about it.

      • Patrick O'Grady Says:

        I hear you, John. And I hate to pass on a target of opportunity. But damn, am I tired of watching this peacock preen.

        If everyone who wants a piece of his ass peels him like a banana he’s still gonna be up there among the 1 percenters. And of course all his knaves, varlets and minions skate without much worse than a hint of stinkeye that wouldn’t raise a blister on a hemophiliac.

        I may not be able to resist comment, but I can sure avoid watching the actual performance. I barfed once last week already.

      • GJ John Says:

        I was actually planning on watching his performance this week if just to see how long I’d last (I figured two minutes, tops). But, shucks, wouldn’t you know it there’s going to be a talk at that same time about the fossils that came from the Snowmastodon site near Snowmass. Now that’s something that comes out of the muck near Aspen that I’ll actually enjoy hearing about!

      • khal spencer Says:

        I’ve gotta watch my blood pressure, so to hell with the whole deal. You put it best: “,,,don’t let the door hit ya, etc., et al., and so on and so forth…”

      • Pat O'Brien Says:

        Patrick, you sharp wit has returned, and I assume you are feeling half human again. “I am half human!” he responds.

        Get ready, the fat lady will sing way off key. It will result in another year of incessant chatter on the blogs and comments. But, he alone knows what went on in the team. He will be walking a mine field, and would seem when his lawyers told him to lay low he just couldn’t do it. A Ron White line immediately comes to mind. “I had the right to remain silent, but I didn’t have the ability.”

      • Larry T. Says:

        I’ll check in here after I get down to Sicily later this week and find a WIFI signal once Legstrong’s had his fling with Okrah, but I’m with you Patrick. The thing BigTex craves most is attention and it seems he’ll pretty much do anything to stay in the spotlight, even way past his 15 minutes of fame.
        Lots of folks think “St. David” Millar is a sanctimonious prick nowadays, can you imagine what BigTex would be like if he were to (sort of) come clean? It would pretty much complete his entire Cancer Jesus routine, no?

  5. Jon Paulos Says:

    Dudes,

    C’mon. Remember a few points here.
    1. “No Holds Barred” for an Oprah interview means something different from a “NHB” interview with David Walsh.
    2. Oprah’s not going to conduct a “what did you know and when did you know it” kind of interview.
    3. Her strength is the “human interest angle” in any story, and she’s going to play to her strength in conducting the interview.
    4. She’s not doing this to do the general public a favor. She’s doing it to boost rating with her target audience, the so-called “Oprah” audience.
    5. If Lance completely opens up, he exposes himself to even more liability in the form of the whistle-blower lawsuit, which will make all the others, combined, look like chump change, and worse, might trigger the criminal charges.

    So, my conclusion? We’ll hear about his hard upbringing, how he had to struggle so hard, how the odds were against him, how he felt about it, how that (doping) was how the game was played, how he did it (vaguely defined, she won’t press him on it) to win, how winning has been his whole life and now he’s dedicated to beating the big C. He’ll work in something about his kids, though I doubt he’ll talk about his girlfriend on account of his crappy track record there. And throughout the whole thread he’ll do everything he can to cloak himself in the mantle of Cancer Jesus. But he won’t jump up and down on the couch. And you won’t hear anything like “yep they got me, I did it all.”

    I do this kind of thing for a living, and I am fascinated following this whole Lance thing. It’s like the case studies in graduate school. “Here’s a real-life situation where we’ve changed the names. You’re in charge. What do you do?” You do the analysis, the plan, then they tell you what really happened.

    • Larry T. Says:

      I think you’ve nailed it! The only court BigTex wants to play in is the one of public opinion and Okrah is the queen there. Between not really admitting to much and the statute of limitations issues he’ll skate away pretty much unscathed while buffing up his Cancer Jesus image – the one that brings in the real CASH.and attention he craves.

  6. Steve O Says:

    Let ’em freaking secede.

  7. Derek Lenahan Says:

    JP seems to know his shit, I have been trying to figure out how it would go with no luck, I must not be part of the Oprah audience

  8. pablopinchasso Says:

    http://denver.cbslocal.com/video/8177956-lance-armstrong-could-make-a-confession-during-oprah-interview/
    some thoughts from Ron Kiefel on little running dumb shit….

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